Totally Lame

Feeling a little devastated at the moment. Trying not to let it feel like it's the end of the world because I know in the grand scheme of things it's not all that bad, it just feels that way today.

We have to postpone the IVF cycle, maybe a few months, maybe more. All along we've wanted to do the shared risk option that gives you 70% of your money back if you don't have a live birth. It's important because IVF has a 40% chance of working, odds are not in our favor. In all the paperwork OHSU gave us it looked like one price so I thought we were ready. Upon doing a little more research it seems that the guaranteed refund costs an extra $4000 not including medication. Funny that it costs more to give you money back?? Our IVF coordinator left without telling us and so I wasn't able to ask questions and get to bottom of things in the time frame I'd of liked. So I got my hopes up and now...well the balloon has deflated.

So, despite the amazing amount my mom has already contributed, we're short. May be short for a long while. I had planned to have a much bigger savings account by now, but things always happen. Pay cuts at work due to the economy, Scott's new company has a huge paycheck lag time making these last few months hard to catch up, always something.

I'm trying to remind myself that we're blessed. Scott is working at a time when most people in construction are not. I have a stable job. We have an adorable house we love and we can pay our bills.

Still hard not to feel let down. Actually let down isn't right. I feel like someone kicked me in the gut, withheld water for three days, then tied me up and set a tall cold glass of h20 just out of my reach. It's so close, but I can't have it, and it's starting to hurt.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. Always waiting. I'm not a patient person by nature.

I spent most of my day at work pretending I was having an allergy attack, when I was in fact just teary. Tomorrow I will have to put on a happy face for Scott's birthday party. At least I have party prep to keep me occupied...Good that I can't slow down and become lump o'lard on the couch like I am inclined to do.

Just so tired of things not working out. Seems like someday we're gonna get a break right? It has to get easy someday?

I want to kick something, and drink the worlds largest margarita.


Stacey said...

I'm really sorry, Erin. Sorry that you have to wait even longer. I know you've been preparing yourself and hoping for June and it must be so disappointing.

Thinking of you and hoping that something may change to bring it back within reach.


Jo said...

Oh, Erin, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling! I was all set to go with a May cycle when my hubby dropped the bomb that he will not take the money out of our annuity until it resets in August. While he is being financially responsible (to withdraw now would result in excessive penalties), having to wait three months longer than I planned is excruciating. Even though, like you said, in the grand scheme of things, what should it matter?

To a long-term IFer, it matters. Period.

So sorry, and big hugs. I'll be thinking of you.


Megan said...

Erin, I'm sending big hugs your way. I kept checking your blog and unbeknownst to me it kept linking to an old entry (your friend with the spider in her hair) so here I am thinking you haven't updated in a while. Finally had a "DOH!" moment, found the other entries and am all caught up now. I'm really sorry, hon. Damn it. I'm thinking of you, and you can have a good laugh and know that I've figured out how to get your updates now. :)