Today is the perfect day to remind myself what I am thankful for....

1) Scott and I are healthy.

2) My friends and family are close to us and we are able to spend a lot of time with them.

3) I live in a little house that keeps me warm on cold nights and allows me to try being a gardener on warm summer days.

4) I have a dog that loves to sit on my lap, my arm, my tummy, my leg, anywhere that is warm. She loves to snuggle with me and sometimes nothing feels better than that.

5) I have a good job in trying times.

6) I've been able to travel to many places and see many people.

7) I have a core group of friends who would do just about anything for me and me for them.

8) I will have a full tummy after our dinner tonight and every night.

9) I still find great joy in good books

Completely Frustrated and I'm In Love With a Vampire

I spent most of my lunch break today trying to get a hold of anyone at Kaiser who could help me schedule some lab work. I had to call four times and even after the fourth call I am not one step closer to having my labs ordered.

These labs are all for OHSU so we can proceed with the fertility consult and some are timely, read must be done on specific days. These specific days should be coming up next week so I wanted to be prepared. I know how Kaiser works and I know that I have to have the labs ordered by a doctor, I can't just show up for them. Unfortunately getting in touch with a doctor or even the OBGYN advice nurse is like picking up jello with a toothpick! I tried to set it all up last week too and was left on hold for 40 minutes and no one ever picked up! Today I was on the phone for a total of 40 minuets and never once got through to who I needed. Once the phone system even hung up on me.

Typically I am ready for the battle with Kaiser. I've been in their system long enough to know that appointments and the like take time to set up. Today I didn't have the patience. Partly because I made absoultely no progress. I couldn't even leave a message for someone.

Making it all the more frustrating is that I pay these people to treat me like this. For hundreds of dollars a month I pay them to ignore me, hang up on me, and be generally difficult to work with. All I want are some stinking blood tests that I will be paying for as we haven't met our deductible yet!


I am going to call OHSU and explain the situation. I am failry certain I can do the tests through them and I know they will at least return my call.

It's pathetic that my health care, which I pay for, can be so incredibly pathetic.

On a happy note, I saw Twilight this weekend. While not the best movie I've ever seen, and some of the worst acting I've ever witnessed, I still found myself with an ear to ear grin at times. Something about teenage vampire angsty love makes me a bit giddy. Edward was beautiful and more enjoyable than I though he would be. Oh who and I kidding, I was totally silly sappy loe struck by him! They did do an excellent job of showcasing the Pacific Northwest, Oregon in particular. I was able to recognize quite a few shooting locations and the color was identical to what we see here. If you've never been here, watch the movie and notice the green and gray. It is stunning, and quite true to what we see here for a large portion of our year. The shots in the Columbia River Gorge were absolutely beautiful!

***Edited Note****

OHSU just called with my Progesterone test results. They are consistent with anovulation, meaning I did not ovulate this cycle. I already knew this in my head but it sucks to hear it. It's just one more hurdle. Blech.

At least I'm somewhat youthful..

We went to our appointment yesterday and I feel pretty good about it, so far. The staff was extremely kind and personable, not something you always encounter at a doctors office. Even the front desk people were nice in that "grumpy wise cracking I've been doing this job for way too long" way. The new OHSU building is beautiful and we could almost see our house from the doctors office. The lobby has a great view of the river and downtown.

Our doctor asked if he could do an ultrasound, which I've never had so I was a little nervous, only because it's so weird to see yourself - internally - up on a screen. He looked at me, told me I have a nice uterus, hey I'll take any compliment I can get! He also said I had youthful ovaries and pointed at all these little bubble things that are apparently eggs. There were lots and lots of them. So I guess you could say I had my first glance at my possible future children. I was happy to hear that some part of my body was considered youthful!

He did tell us that what's wrong with us is considered the trifecta of fertility issues, tubal issues, ovulation issues, and possible male factor issues. I told him we've always been over achievers. I have a few more tests to take and then we'll have another consult via phone to decide how to proceed. They will decide if there is perhaps a surgery to correct scaring in my tubes (if that's even an issue) or if IVF should be our first step. They are fiscally aware and want to be conservative with our money which I really appreciate. We should know more in a week or two if my body cooperates which isn't always the case.

Scott was a great sport and even asked questions and followed along on diagrams. I'm so glad he went with me. They even let him sit in on the ultrasound.

I wouldn't say that they were extremely optimistic, but they weren't negative either. It was a matter of fact meeting and very informational. But I do feel really good about the facility and the staff. I can imagine that the staff, who you end up working with a lot, plays into attitude and in turn success. I'm going to attempt to maintain this positive feeling despite the rational side of my brain that constantly tells me not to get my hopes up.

I think that getting ready for the holidays will be a good distraction for me. I can make some gifts, get my cards done, decorate my little house, put up my village and snuggle into the couch with a good book. I can't control anything else at the moment.

So that's my update for now. Thanks to everyone who asked about it. While I know that many people are super private about things like this, I find that blogging about it makes me feel better, plus I'm Little Miss Chatterbox, it's nearly impossible for me not to share things. :)

thursday is a big day

Thursday we go to OHSU for our first infertility consult. On the one hand I am totally excited, on the other I am extremely nervous and anxious. I think I will need tums, valium and wine on Thursday just to feel normal. Suppose I shouldn't go into a appointment in an altered state though huh? Lord knows I won't get much work done.

I read blogs out there in cyber space. Blogs that belong to other women like me. Many of them end with little bundles of joy, many don't. Those women are sad and alone, and have run out of funds and sometimes the emotional fortitude to continue. I'm very afraid that I will be one of those people. I don't want to be one of those people and I don't want to assume that I will be, but my head thinks it's easier to take the let down if I never let myself believe in what could be. I don't think it's any secret that I'm emotional, hell I can't even watch an episode of ER without needing Kleenex. I worry that being so emotional is going to take it's toll on me. I worry that they might tell me that we can't be helped. I worry that we'll invest everything into this process and still come up empty handed. Maybe I should stop reading those blogs. Often times I just end up in tears after reading one. But while they may have some sad endings, they also provide proof for me that I'm not crazy and that the feelings and reactions I have are actually normal. You see just a few weeks ago I'd become convinced that I was losing my mind and that I was a horrible person. Reading these other blogs reminded me that I'm not either of those things, I'm just unlucky for now and sometimes that doesn't bring out the best in a person.

I debated about canceling this appointment. With the market in it's current downward spiral Scott's work has very nearly run out so we're in super saver mode. Spending money on an appointment that could probably wait seems like a bad idea. I had actually made the decision to cancel today. I was ready to call them, number typed into my phone. But then I just decided I'm not ready to give up on this just yet. We may have to wait to actually take action, but if we go to this appointment on Thursday we can at least know how and where to start when the time is right. Plus we have a benefactor who's helping us get this started. That help made it possible for me to put aside my rational brain for a moment and just go with the dream of maybe someday having a baby. Sometimes I hate being so stable and rational. It kind of hinders dreaming and hoping.

I will say that this ordeal (though really just beginning) has made opened up some new levels of communication for me and Scott. That's a good thing, you really can't go wrong if your communicating more openly with your spouse. He may think I'm crazy sometimes, but he's along for the ride.

I don't know what's in store for us on Thursday. I'm going to try and trust in my belief that I was meant to be a mommy. I'm going to hope that The Big Guy sees that too. Wish us luck!
Boston, Fleetwood Mac, The Beach Boys, Areosmith, Whitney Houston, Everclear, The Cure, Save Ferris, Boys II Men, Presidents of the United Sates of America, James Taylor, Kenny Loggins, Vince Gill, Patty Loveless, Keith Urban, Jason Mraz, New Kids on the Block, KT Tunstall, Britney Spears...

I'm documenting the concerts I can remember going to. I know I'm forgetting some, and some of the ones I've listed I've seen multiple times.

I went to see Jason Mraz on Wednesday and he was fantastic. One of my more favorite concerts. The venue of course made it that much better, a more intimate setting always makes a concert better in my opinion.

He played my favorite songs, he gave me goosebumps. He made me feel good. He made me move. He made me laugh. That's what good music does for me. I would definitely recommend him to anyone who likes a good show. His live version of The Remedy was awesome. Scott even had a nice time and he's not a big music fan.

In addition to that Kink.FM is playing some great music in the next few weeks. They are my favorite station in town and will be celebrating their 40th Anniversary on Christmas Day. In honor of that they are playing music from each year they've been on air starting today with 1968. I've heard The Beatles (yay!), James Taylor, Johnny Cash, and Aretha Franklin. At noon today they are going to play the entire Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album with extras you usually don't hear on the radio. I am pleased as punch!

You can listen online if you don't live here in Portland. Just go to

It should be a fun walk down memory lane for some. Also just plain good music.

Happy Friday!

Veteran's Day

The Certificate of Live Birth lists the street address as Gigling Road. Gigling is missing one "g" but it's pronounced the same way. And so the story of how I was born on Gigling Road begins. I was born on base at Fort Ord in Monterey, California on Good Friday. My father was a Staff Sargent, my mother was a civilian Army wife. We only lived on base for a few months with our little cock-a-poo Token before my Dad was honorably discharged after eight years of service.

Silas B Hayes Army Hospital

My life in the military was very limited, only four months total, but I still tell people I'm an Army Brat. I figure I earned the title and there is something a little fun about having been born at one of the most beautiful bases in the country, okay maybe the city is the most beautiful if the base isn't. Plus, despite my father's discharge while I was so young, the military still influenced my life in a few ways. My father was a Vietnam Vet, to say that he was changed or touched by the war would be an understatement. Plus I remember finding the MCI (Meal, Combat, Individual) Rations in my parents closet where I was thrilled to discover little pieces of candy coated gum which I then proceed to eat. I credit the US Army with my love of gum that continues to this day! I always wanted to take my dad's Army issue duffel bag to sleep overs, I thought it was so cool that he still had all those things, along with piles and piles of photos. Of course at the time I was too young to understand the significance of those pieces of his life, I just loved to hear the stories of his dog Arrow that the had to leave behind. Not really grasping that my father, an animal lover, had to leave behind a pet because he was going back to the US after spending a year in country. Of course that is just the start of sadness and horrors witnessed in Vietnam.

My mother's father is also a vet, he fought in Germany in WWII. He has all sorts of books, medals and pictures. His war was frightening too but of course, there is something romantical about WWII. Perhaps it's the stories like my grandparents, meeting at a USO dance at Fort Lewis, falling in love on a first date and getting married before he shipped off to war. My grandfather has just recently, after the death of his wife, started talking about the war. I'm not sure if he wanted to shield her from those memories or if talking about it actually helps him remember her because it is how they met. Regardless of the reason I am thankful, because his fight and service is a part of my family history as well as my nations history. I had no idea until just a few years ago that he is the recipient of a Silver Star Medal.

Veterans are a special lot in this world. Many volunteered, many were drafted, all of them served our country in a capacity that is not easy. Even those who may never have left our own soil still sacrificed their daily, normal lives to be ready at the beck and call of war or conflict. Such a great sacrifice, such a noble act.

I don't think it's any secret that I am anti-war. I hold the Vietnam war partially responsible for my lack of relationship with my father. Perhaps true, perhaps not. It is an easy excuse for me to hold onto. But even though I am anti-conflict, I am in full support of the men and women who serve our country. They fill a void that I could not. They give up things I could not. Many make the ultimate sacrifice. It takes a special person to do this. I know because I know many vets, family or not, and they are all extremely special, in so many ways.

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day and I'll be thinking of all of them, particularly those I know and love.

Weekend Plans

I heart cupcakes. Actually I heart frosting and making pretty things with it. So this weekend I'm going to make cupcakes for no real reason other then I feel the need to work in a medium where I can create something adorable and delicious. I don't really have anyone to eat them, but they will sit on one of my pretty cake stands and look adorable until Scott decides they might go well with a cup of coffee one morning. If you need a cupcake let me know. Cupcakes have a magical quality that makes people feel better just by seeing them and holding them. Eating them has led to states of euphoria.

Pittock Mansion has been calling my name so I think Scott and I must go. I haven't been in many many years and Scott has never seen the house. While it's raining outside we might as well find some inside beautiful to check out. Plus it's supposed to be haunted and I want to go and see if I get my usual tingle-ies when I walk into a haunted area. For $7 a person it's a pretty affordable way to spend a weekend afternoon and we looooove affordable! Heck, to be honest I should just say I'm cheap.

I also get to mop my kitchen floors. They need it. Badly. I hate moping, and my floor never looks clean because it's that 1960's yellow and green linoleum. But I know it's dirty and I can't ignore it any longer. The rest of the house is clean and tidy and that stupid floor has been bugging me all week.

Paperwork also looms. OHSU has sent over a packet that I must have done before our appointment on the 20th. Probably easy stuff, but who likes to fill out paperwork? Better to get it done though right?

As a reward for mopping the kitchen floor and filling out my paper work I am going to Powell's on Sunday to buy a used book that has been much loved by another and will become a permenate part of my own library. With the weather turning into fall/winter I need books to cuddle up with on the couch.

And I guess that's that! I hope everyone has a loveyly weekend.

Spinach Artichoke Dip wins by a landslide! Oh and Prop 8 sucks!

The election is over…almost. We’re still waiting on a senate race here in Oregon, but other then that I’d say most races have been called and it’s time now to move on, watch and learn. I ate way too much Spinach Artichoke dip while watching the results come in and I feel fat and icky today because of it. Next time it’s a veggie tray! That’s my first lesson from election night.

I think this election has left some fractures, and I know the outcome left many disappointed. I know, I know, all you Obama supporters have probably removed the word “disappointed” from your vocabulary as of this morning…

Regardless, it’s never easy to see your guy loose so I am sorry for those people who had put their support behind McCain. I don’t agree with his politics but I loved his speech last night. I wish both candidates and their running mates could have been that gracious through the entire election process.

And then there is California…

Cali is where I come from. I will always be a California girl no matter how many years I spend in Oregon. I was born for warm days and rays of sunshine. Ocean beaches, redwood trees, banana slugs, and San Jose State Football games are pieces of my childhood. Even though it’s frowned upon here in Oregon, I’m happy to tell people where I moved from. I think California is GREAT. Unfortunately, this morning, California is like the unruly, obnoxious, loud mouth kid in your second grade class that got tapped to his desk because he couldn’t stop disrupting things. You just want to sit him down and try to reason with him and then you realize you can’t reason with crazy so you feel helpless and frustrated.

Now don’t take offense California friends. I think most of you are probably as disappointed as I am today. And if you’re not a California voter then you might actually be really confused about this blog so far. I can’t vote in Cali but you can bet your ass had I been able to I would have been a big fat NO on 8.

8 changes the California constitution to read "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." So that means gay marriage is out. Without getting too far into a religious discussion I just want to say this: Changing constitutions to include language such as this is ridiculous and dangerous. Any sort of amendment that restricts ones freedoms (and that is what Prop 8 does) and or takes away rights from one group of people is not in line with the fundamental basis for The United States of America. You can not live in a country where we are encouraged to practice the freedom of religion and then pass legislature that clearly limits someone's right because your book of faith doesn’t agree with their choices. Our government separates church and state to protect EVERYONE'S right to believe any religion they choose. If we fail to separate church and state we risk losing that protection. If that happens then we become one of those places where people are persecuted for following the Koran, The Book of Mormon, or attending temple. This country was created to prevent that. This country was created to escape that. Turn the tables and imagine a country where Christianity is not the largest religion base and now because we’ve allowed church into our government we are no longer allowed to attend a Baptist service and your marriage, preformed by a pastor in your own church, is now invalid because it doesn’t meet with current laws. Yet, in the eyes of God, it is still sacred because that’s a contract between you and Him, not the US government.

Despite my complete disappointment with California passing Prop 8 I do have some hope in knowing that progress has been made on a grand scale in politics this week. Barriers have been broken and that can only mean that we will see more of that in the years to come. That is the kind of change I want, but next time I’d like a woman to break that barrier…or a gay man dressed as a woman, or a gay woman dressed like a man, or a gay person dressed however the hell they want. Let’s just break some barriers and let people live their lives as long as they aren’t harming us.

And Luzma, like I said before, chin up. Karma has a way of fixing these things and goodness overcomes bigotry and prejudice. It may not happen right away, but it happens and a very wise man knew that and said this:

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

If anyone needs to feel a good warm fuzzy today, go read that speech. Feel its words and think about what’s happened since he stood before that crowd in 1963. Those words ring true today, and can apply to any injustice. And adding to the poignancy is the sentence just nine lines up from the very end.

Be good to one another today.