Creepy Crawlies!

Tomorrow is Halloween, perfect time for gross, creepy, icky things. My Halloween seems to have started out a little early!!!

This morning while getting out of the shower I went to wrap my hair in a towel, only to find a spider waiting for me. He was big too! So I had to shake him out then wash him down the drain. ICK!

Then at work I'm sitting at my desk and I swear that I feel something crawling on my leg, but I chalk it up to having the creepy crawlies from my spider incident earlier....nooooooope! There was a box elder who had crawled up my pant leg and made it all the way up to my knee! DOUBLE ICK! Bug in my personal space bubble!!!! I didn't scream or shriek, but I did jump up and do the "Icky Bug in My Pants" dance. Entertainment for coworkers I am sure.


This is a box elder bug.
They are all over my office, and usually harmless...





We're going to carve pumpkins tonight while we watch The Office and 30 Rock. I'm sure they won't turn out as cool as the ones Andy and Luzma did for us two years ago as a house warming present, but we're going to try!

Super cool pumpkins made by
Andy and Luzma

No big plans for Halloween itself. I'm making a Creole Style Pork Stew for Scott and Bruce since Charity is out of town for work. She's going to the Winchester Mystery House for the flashlight guided tour on Halloween night. I am completely jealous on two accounts, 1) she's in my home town and I miss it 2) she's going on the flashlight tour!

I will of course be dressed up for handing out candy, so if you'd like to see my Sarah Palin/Hockey Mom get up come over to trick or treat. We're gonna be the cool house with regular sized candy bars this year. Well we will have them if I can get Scott to stop eating them!

Hope everyone has a safe, fun, or spooky Halloween night!

Feeling Good

Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
It's easy
All you need is love, all you need is love ~ The Beatles


Sometimes someone does something that is so amazing that is turns your mood, your view or your outlook around. Sometimes in the span of a day, it could be smile from a stranger, or someone letting you go ahead in a long line. It could be a car on the freeway letting you merge; it could be a loved one giving you a hug. Sometimes these things seem small an insignificant, especially to the giver of the gift, but in reality they are huge because it is a spark to a fire that will build momentum.

Why the mushy sentimentality?

I was blessed with one of those moments tonight. An old friend, who I never get to see, who has been separated via time and miles, sent me a card, with a letter, and a gift. As I told her in an email that I sent tonight, even the envelope with her hand writing made me feel good. Even more though, was her note in the inside. It said that she believed in me. Sometimes it’s nice to see that in print. To know someone took time out of their day to buy a card, write in it, put a stamp on it, and send it to you, makes a person feel special.

I don’t know if there is one single word that describes how I feel today, perhaps hopeful? Or maybe optimistic? But really it’s more than that. I feel so many things.

In the last week or so I’ve had multiple people reach out to me. They give me feedback, encouragement, advice and just plain acceptance. I don’t know if everyone is as lucky I am, but I hope they are.

It’s very easy for me to get into self pity mode, and focus solely on me. But the mail that I received tonight was good a reminder that there are other people out there who may not have the same issues I do, but need encouragement and support none the less. I may not even be privy to what is going on in their lives, but a card or a quick hello can never hurt.

So I’m going to start a Just Because Initiative. I’m going to make sure I’m better at doing little things, just because I can and just because sometimes it means a world of difference.

Thank you for the warm fuzzies and sweet sentiments old friend. You really have no idea what you have done for me today. I miss you and wish you lived closer.

As an aside, I will need mailing address for anyone who reads this blog. Christmas cards are coming up and you may get something Just Because!

Monday, Monday

Ah what a weekend, relaxing, sunny, three cups of hot cocoa, a little shopping, and football. It was the perfect fall weekend. Only thing I didn't do that I should have was yard work. It was probably our last dry, warm weekend and I should have used the time to trim down the jungle that my yard has become, alas I didn't even think of it until it was too late and I'm babysitting tonight so it'll just have to wait.

After some conversations with people, some soul searching and some self checking I've decided I can't ask people to donate to our baby fund. I can't tell you how those who offered made me feel. Something between warm fuzzy and forever grateful, but I can't ask for that sort of help. It will eventually make me uncomfortable and you all have so many things you could be using that money for. Times are hard now, every penny counts. But again, I must reiterate that your offers were so kind, and so warm and I love you all for even thinking about it. Even if you just thought about it and didn't say anything. I am blessed with some of the most wonderful people in my life, near and far.

So if I could suggest, instead of donating to our cause, send me as much positive energy as possible. Whether that be in prayer, good vibes, happy thoughts, mail, email, phone calls, text messages or telepathy, send it over. I believe that this world is a better place when we're all wishing better things for people. I'm going to trust in my higher power that he will take care of me and provide for me in the way it was always meant to be. If a baby was meant to be it will happen. I have to believe that. I also have to believe that medical intervention has improved so greatly in the last fifteen years that my dream is that much more attainable!

I'm going to continue to use this blog as a way of letting people in on the process if they care to know, and I'll use the website domain I bought for when we actually get to announce that we're expecting. It will be a little reward.

In non-baby news Scott has almost finished the kitchen cabinets he has been making. This means I will soon have a dishwasher! It's been so long I don't even know what I'll do with all the time I'll have now that I don't have to scrub every plate and fork by hand. I'm getting a garbage disposal too! I don't know when it will all be installed, but Scott spent the weekend tearing things apart and cutting through walls to get it all ready. I hate living in a remodel but this one should be small and quick...I hope.

Thanks for reading...I'll try to be more entertaining, less baby as the days go on. I know it gets old reading the same things over and over...

Moving Forward

I have done two things to get the process started...

1. I have called OHSU to get the ball rolling. Scott and I will go in for an initial consultation in a few weeks and see what the doctors have to say. I am trying to remind myself that it's not smart to get excited about this. There is every possibility they could say they can't help us. I need to be prepared for that. I'm not trying to be a Negative Nellie, I'm just trying to be realistic. If it turns out they can help us it will be super awesome!

2. I have registered a domain name for a website where I will tell our story, and ask for donations. I have mixed feelings about asking for monetary donations. On the one hand I know it would be so helpful, and I know that I would donate to someone in a similar situation. On the other hand, it seems like I shouldn't be asking for donations for something like this. There are so many charities in this world that need money, and so many people with so much less than me. I almost feel guilty, but I have to remind myself that if I want to acomplish this I have to be willing to ask for help, even if it comes to donations.


That's it for today....fall is definately here and while I ususally abhor the cold weather I am actually enjoying the season change this year. The colors are brilliant and the sky is still sunny for now. I'm ready for pumpkins and trick or treaters!

Additional notes and ideas on baby stuff

I'm using this blog as a sounding board. It helps me feel like I've talked to lots of people, thus getting it off my chest, when in reality I wasn't annoying you in person. I know hearing me talk about not having babies gets old for some people.

When I write here it's kind of like those free writing exercises we did in creative writing classes. So sometimes it may not all be in order or make complete sense.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I had an idea on the way home (and I think Lyn and I talked about this a long time ago). Would it be crazy to get a p.o. box and post something on craigslist (in multiple cities) and ask people to send in $1? If I set up a legit website so they knew they were sending it to a real person do you think it would work? If I set up a paypal account to make it even easier would it work? I don't know if it's a viable option, but it would only take 5,000 or 6,000 people contributing to make the difference. Hell even 500 people would make a difference.

Maybe it's a crazy idea? Thoughts? Suggestions? Other ideas?

By the way, on the way home, listening to the radio I heard that Daria, my favorite afternoon DJ is now expecting after trying for a little while. I was happy for her, but still felt sad. the good news is she was talking to a psychic who had actually told her this was going to happen. Maybe I need to visit that psychic and see what she has to say. Again, I know I'm getting desperate, but that's the reality of it folks!

Beg, borrow, or steal...

Things I am willing to do to get pregnant. Sounds pretty desperate, and I suppose that's because at this point I am! After over six years of trying and medial test results that pretty much guarantee we'll need to pursue IVF (in vitro), I've decided I can't keep putting it off and hoping for a miracle. Sometimes you have to get off your ass to make things happen, in fact most times you do.

A few things have prompted this most recent decision, mostly hearing that EVERYONE and their sister, or cousin, or co-worker is pregnant. I hate being jealous and I hate what an absolute nasty bitch I turn into when I am jealous. Normally I don't have completely irrational, nasty, mean thoughts about people. Lately I find that my mind is shocking even myself with the nastiness and I don't want to be that person. So to change that, I'm changing my own game plan. Taling charge if you will.

Through a generous grant from my mother we're almost half way to enough money for IVF. I have saved another $1000 myself and should have a few more by summer. Total cost is between $10, 000 and $20, 000.

My game plan for the rest of the money is this...

1. Start saving all loose change. All of it, even pennies! It does add up. I know because I bought luggage the last time I counted all my change.
2. Returning bottles and cans instead of giving them to the homeless who come though our neighborhood. I hate the sticky mess, but I figure sticky messes are part of being a mom and I can use it as practice.
3. Taking on extra jobs if and when they come up. I don't know how this will work out yet but I'm open to ideas. I plan an awesome party if you need help organizing a baby shower, bridal shower or afternoon tea. I even make invitations and all sorts of matching coordinates.
4. Asking for help. I hate to even bring it up. Money is tight for everyone. But maybe if you felt so inclined you could save pennies for me too? I'll roll them myself. Every bit helps.
5. Thinking positivley and adjusting my additude. I think karma is real and I think if I am a better person and spend more time being helpful to others, some higher power just might take mercy on me and give me a gift.
6. Perhaps planning a fundraiser of sorts, like a car wash? or something?. Again I feel bad asking. There are so many charities out there that deserve support and help. I hate to take away from that, but I hope that some might see that I was always meant to have a baby or two. I was meant to play with playdough and make collages. I was meant to sing lullabys to a swaddled bundle and I was meant to volunteer in classrooms. I was built to be a mom, somehow my anatomy missed that memo!

The good news is that I think it can work. The bad news is that it's a long journey and it doesn't always end up the way you hope it does. But I can't sit around and always wonder what if.

To put the plan in motion I've already contacted one clinic here in Portland to talk to them about options, finance and time frames.

Wish me luck and if you do find youself in a position to help please let me know.

Again, I'm sorry to ask, but like the title says, I'm willing to do just about anything at this point! And please feel free to pass this on to people if you think they might even be able to just offer some empathy. I know lots of people struggle with this.

Thanks...

Olivia is famous!

I always knew she was a star. She has the diva mentality down to a fine science. She IS a princess, and if she could speak she would tell you that.

In March she had the chance to strut her stuff in her very own photo shoot. She wagged, and romped in the grass and ate treats all while having her picture taken by a professional photographer. She was living the high life.

She actually behaved quite well and the photographer even told me she was beautiful. Might be the first time anyone has called her that. I love her but I know she has one of those mugs only a mother can love.

Despite her snaggle tooth and sour disposition she actually takes a great photo and is now in a book along side hundreds of other dogs who either live at a winery or belong to people who work at them.

It's a great book if you're a dog lover. All sorts of silly stories and funny little anecdotes about the little (and sometimes huge) pups. If you want a copy let me know, Olivia will even sign it for you. I promise I won't turn into one of those out of control stage moms....

Just look at that face! How can you not want to snuggle with her?

A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!

I love palindromes, and I love plans!

I have a new plan, and that is to actually commit to running. I hate it. I absolutely hate running. I believe that people who say they love running are either lying or totally off their rocker. Running, however, makes you healthier and sometimes skinnier and I want to be both of those things.

My best friend runs marathons. I will not be running marathons. I will run 5k's, maybe 10k's and if I can work up to it maybe a half marathon. That's a HUGE maybe, but I have my eye on one in particular. But that's big picture, and right now I just need to put one foot in front of the other, literally.

I can currently run about a mile to a mile and a half without needing to take a walking break.

I have decided that by the end of November I need to be able to run 2 miles without stopping. By the end of December I need to be up to 3. After that we'll see how it goes.

But here is the kicker, I need to be held accountable for this running, so I'm going to log my running here. I've been inspired by my brother-in-law who is also running, despite the fact that he also dislikes it. Andy is kicking ass and taking names and I wanna be like that too.

I also work better with rewards so I've decided that I will get something special when I reach each milestone...and I want some help with ideas. I think rewards should match the task so when I can run two miles it should be something small, but when I reach my first 5k it should be special.

Okay, so now my plan is in print. It's official and now I have to get started. Sunday I run. I'll let you know how it goes!

Tag! I'm it!

I was tagged for this so here goes! The rules of this tag are to share where I was 20, 10, 5, 3, 1 year ago and where I am today, tomorrow, and next year... :

20 years ago...

I was 10 years old and in Mr. Marhsall's class at Rolling Hills Middle School. I wanted to be Laura Ingals Wilder for Halloween so my mom made me a dress and bonnet. I was convinced I looked just like her. I was friends with Nyia, Renee, Karissa and Sarah and I had just discovered the awesomeness that is Ramen Noodles. Nyia's mom let me have some and I've been in love with the salty goodness ever sense. I had honed my skills on Duck Hunt and Super Mario Brothers and had the coolest blue 10 speed bike in the neigborhood! I was totally in love with Eric Lopez and Cody Brown, neither had any idea that I existed. I preformed the most entertaining lipsync dance with Nyia and Karissa to a Gloria Estevan song and I had horrible taste in clothes though I thought otherwise at the time. Hello neon yellow and orange tie died leggings!


10 years ago...

I was 20 and working at my very first big girl, real job at Timberline Software as a Call Center Receptionist. I had my own apartment and a roommate, Heather who was at the time my very best friend. I'd just brought little Olivia the pup home to live with me and she was the cutest most entertaining fluff ball I'd ever seen. I had been dating Scott for about a year and things were starting to get serious. Everyone else was 21 so I spent most of my evenings at home while they went out, but that was fine by me. I never missed an episode of Ally McBeal and I learned that I actually had a talent for baking and decorating cakes, which turns out is kind of an old lady hobby but I still love it.

5 years ago...

Scott and I had celebrated our third wedding anniversary and had sold our condo in Sherwood. We were living in a craptacular apartment in Aloha but the rent was cheap and my commute to work was all of 6 minutes, plus it was close to Target and Nordstrom Rack which always make me happy! That year I was let go from my job as AP Customer Service Rep at Timberline. That summer I took advantage of my time off and traveled to South Carolina by myself to see the South and meet up with some girlfriends. I spent three days in Charleston before starting out on an unplanned road trip to Houston. It was the first time in my life I decided to throw out my itinerary. I returned home and continued to make and use lists and itineraries, but my dependency was weakining.

3 years ago...

Still living in Aloha but starting to think about how to move into the city. I was working for Manpower as a Staffing Specialist. I had no idea that it would introduce me to some of the strangest, most bizarre people and situations. Really, someone had a 16 page rap sheet for his background check with an open warrant! The job was fun but very stressful and I soon tired of firing people on a daily basis so began to look for jobs here and there, but not too actively. Spent a lot of time tagging along as Charity planned her wedding and had fun trying on pretty dresses. Have I ever mentioned that I look smashing in red? Took a trip to Disneyland with my Mother in Law and Sister in Law, along with my nephew. I beat him on the Buzz Lightyear ride and I retain the title as champ to this day, I don't care if he was only 5 at the time.

1 year ago...

I had been working at the vineyard for just over a year and was completely immersed in the harvest process. Grapes and fruit floes everywhere! Scott and I had just one year before purchased our first home with a little help from mom and we were settling in to our neighborhood in SE PDX. I took crash course, hands on, lesson in yard maintenance and would discover that I don't actually kill all plants, just ones in containers! We also flew down to Puerto Vallarta with a group of friends and enjoyed the sunshine for a week. I brokey my toe, first broken bone in all my life, and on a piece of drift wood no less!


Today...

I am still working at the vineyard. It's harvest time again and the place is a madhouse! I own my very own new car for the first time. Her name is Gretta the Jetta and I love her. I am training to run a 5k, which isn't much to most people but since I am anti exercise it's a pretty big deal to me. I am an auntie to Nathan who is 7 going on 30 and Jake and KayLee who are both two. The twins are a handful but so much fun that I volunteer to hang out with them. We're still in our adorable little house and Scott is currently building us new kitchen cabinets. I can't wait for them to be done because I haven't had a dishwasher in three years! Girl could use a break from grease and grime!


Tomorrow...

I am supposed to volunteer at the food bank like I do every Thursday but I called off because I just need a few days to get back on my feet after a weeks vacation. My pile of laundry is not pretty. I might stop by the bookstore to and buy myself a few things to read.


Next year...

Maybe we'll get a little more serious about perusing some fertility treatments or adoption. Maybe I'll have stared the little side business I've been thinking about. Maybe I'll have written the novel that keeps playing in my head. Maybe I'll be voted worlds best auntie because I spoiled the kids rotten!



So now you know a little about where I've been and now it's my turn to tag a few others. Here's to Alee Richards, Andrea Shaffer and...well I don't know anyone else with a blog?!?!