What the beep!

Today at work we somehow ended up on the topic of swearing. I am the first to admit that I might swear a little too much. I'm not constantly dropping the f-bomb or anything, but I might have been a sailor (or plumber) in a former life. We have one co-worker who almost never swears and then a few like me who occasionally let dirty word slip, and I'm not even sure how we progressed to this, but we started using the literal words in place of swear words. So someone would shout "Oh feces!" or "Fornication YEAH!" this was funny enough but it soon became a game to see how you could say it another way. So we had "When the fecal mater hits the fan, " and "Up Poop Creek without a paddle". All funny when in an office setting, but my favorite is the simple "Well feces," instead of swearing version for "how the fornication did this happen?" I think I might just use this while out and about someday, or maybe at a family function. I can't wait to see some reactions. As Chandler would ask "Could you BE any more childish?" Well you probably don't want to know the answer to that.

I am also on day three of no coffee. This is the worst thing ever. I know that giving up coffee and alcohol in preparation for things is good and necessary, but dang it if it isn't the most rotten way to start out. I already don't have a baby, now you want to take away caffeine and liquor? What do I have left? How will I remain perky? I know many of you think I'm just naturally chipper, but that's not really the case. I'm a fairly surly individual (did I mention the former life as a plumber?) who preforms well on warm cups of java, diet coke and hard cider. I am fearful that the real me will be revealed in the coming days and no one will like me anymore. I better get a baby out of all this. Seriously. No coffee = baby. Fair trade I think. Until a time when I am once again free to enjoy libations please understand that if I snap at you it's the caffeine withdrawal.

We interrupt this blog

for some reformatting....

It's not going to stay this way, I was just fooling around last night and ran out of time to put it all back. Ooops!

Getting Ready to Roll!

I spilled it to my boss today. Told him what's going to be going on in June and July. Must say that it went much better than I thought it would and he was surprisingly interested (in a good way) and supportive. He even mentioned to me that he and his first wife had gone this route to some extent and he knew how those appointments could be. He told me that it wasn't going to be an issue to come in late some mornings (blood draw and ultrasounds) and taking a few days (for egg removal and then transfer) would be okay too. Just asked that I give him a heads up on the days I'll be in late or out. This is a tremendous relief of course. I promised him I would minimize the impact on work as much as I could. The co-workers on the other hand will probably not take it as well. They absolutely hate it when I'm not in and due to the economic crunch we can't afford to have anyone come in and cover phones while I'm out. It will be even worse as I was already out for the foot surgery. The thing is, I have this vacation time, and I'm allowed to use it. Why have it if you can't take it off? Anyway, it was great of my boss to be so willing to listen and allow me the time I need.

But of course I trade one worry for the next...I was looking up how much meds cost for one cycle, and I knew they were spendy but wowza! I suppose this is what savings accounts are for right? I am truly blessed that my mom is helping us out with the IVF costs, but I figured I should try to contribute as much as possible and it seemed like meds was a good way to do that. I think I might have a garage sale or sell a kidney. Can you sell a kidney? That seems unethical at best, but I'm willing to consider it... I do have a great Kholer sink and some chairs I can sell and have been thinking about selling anyway. Craigslist here we come!

I did re-read the financial paperwork for the RE's office and we (mom) have got enough to do a One Plus cycle. That means we get one fresh cycle plus one frozen cycle if the first try doesn't work. It's like a mini insurance policy which makes me feel so much better about it all. The odds are like playing a game in Vegas so any extra tries are great. We're ready to roll the dice though!

Next step - more blood work. Scott and I having a blood draw date later in the week. So romantic.

In some extra good news, Monday is over so only four days left until the weekend!

yummy! baby kinkachoo!

We had dinner with my sister in law and family last night. The kids are free entertainment so it's always nice to go over there. Last night was no different. The twins have been playing "Auntie Erin" for a while now, they have broken legs that require x-rays, medicine, and of course band-aids! It's pretty darn cute. We took the tape off my incision last night to have a look at it and they were both pretty curious. Jake especially and he had a band-aid ready for me when we were done.

Towards the end of the night SIL was playing with the little ones and had put Baby Kinkachoo (from a Diego/Dora play set) in her mouth and pretended to eat it. This upset KayLee "That is not for eating!" she insisted. So Trish coughed and spat out Baby Kinkachoo which just made me laugh. Of course then it was a game and I suggested she eat Boots, or Dora, or Diego. Jake was on board but KayLee still felt like this should not be happening and was quite insistent. It was pretty cute and funny. I'm sure it was funnier for me watching, but I promised I would blog about Trish eating Baby there you have it.

Today I'm just sitting on the couch, trying to keep my foot elevated because it's been swelling a lot. I was going to watch The Biggest Loser online because it was pre-empted by the Blazer game last week. It's not online. I'm not happy. This is one reason I dislike The Blazers. It used to be Friends that I missed, now it's The Biggest Loser which is near season end....hmmph!

I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow. There is tension there and I hate it. I feel like an outsider and it's been this way since I hurt my foot. I don't know what else to do. I took them out for a drink to say thank you for helping me, I'm super chipper and never ask for help unless I absolutely need it, and yet they still whisper all the time and close doors so I can't hear conversations. I don't know what I did or didn't do but it makes going to work not much fun these days. I plan to ask my boss to move me to a different office next week, partly so I can put my foot up as the swelling is too much and partly to escape the whispering. One of the coworkers is the same person who left that nasty comment back in February after I broke my ankle. She later admitted that is was "someone in her house" but I'm pretty sure it was her. I hate work drama...The boys in my office are of course wonderful. They just aren't catty the way women are.

Why is it almost Monday??? And where did the sunshine go?

Decisions, Decisions!

Thank you all who responded to my last blog! I got almost as many comments as I did about fried Twinkies. Fried Twinkies are still in the lead though. It's hard to compete with lard.

Due to your willingness to read about little 'ol me no matter what I'm writing/whining/complaining/cheering about I've decided to keep one blog. But....yes there is always the but. I am going to make my blog private. I am doing this for one reason and one reason only. I want this place to be a place I can truly be myself, vent about anything I want, say what I want, swear as much as I like and not feel guilty about it. I can't do that if I know some people are reading this.

If you are a lurker and want to remain a reader please de-lurk and send me an email address that I might send a reader invitation to. If you are a regular reader/commenter I'm just going to send you an invitation so you don't have to do anything. If I can't find your contact info for some reason I'll track it down. My email address in case you need it is erin_lis @ hotmail

I plan to make this site private on Saturday. Yep, that's tomorrow. I know, very soon. But's that the way the cookie is crumbling right now. I feel unprotected at the moment and this is one way I can fix that.

What to do? What to do?

Okay, so I've been thinking about this for a while now. I'm disgruntled with blogging. Primarily because when people comment, and I want to dialog back with them I can't seem to find a good way to do that. It's easy enough when it's someone I see on a regular basis but a lot of you live elsewhere and I don't communicate with you except for blog comments. This is frustrating. I don't know what to do. Conundrum!

Is it best to just comment back on your own blog comments if you want to say something? Do you go back to see if someone responded when you leave a comment? Or should you go to the other bloggers blog and make a comment even if their most current blog has nothing to do with what you're talking about? What do the rest of you do? In addition to that, there are times when bloggers go silent and maybe that is just because they are busy but more often than not it's because they are sad or frustrated or worried. How do I check in with them other than just posting another note on their last blog? They might not want to reply back and that's okay, I just want them to know I'm thinking of them.

I feel like going searching for email address' might be over the top...

And since I don't know the right answer just yet here are some responses I've been wanting to pass along...

Ashleigh - I still love you even if you don't think Susan Boyle is all that. :) About the picture, well it's so nasty even I don't like to look at it. Maybe I'll email it to you? Or next time you are back out at the winery I can show you over a glass of Pinot Blanc...or Dolcetto...and I hear the Arneis is great this year!

Stacey - NBA! Big time here in Rip City. Tough game last night. I must admit I don't watch much basketball but I was very sorry to see Mutombo go down. He's just such a great guy. Of course my entire city is pleased with the game last night! Next two in your town!

In addition to that gripe I think I may have to split the blog into two. One for normal every day life and one for infertility stuff. I feel like those who don't also suffer the fates of infertility probably get pretty bored with all that crap and since that will soon become pretty prominent in my life. So I think this blog might become my infertility blog, and my Run Baby Run blog which most of you probably don't even know about, will become my every day life blog. It was meant to chronicle my running....and well that didn't work out! Might as well use it for something else.

If I split it, you can choose to completely ignore the whining, crying, bitching, moaning and pity party that IVF and all the drugs it entails will bring.

Comments? Is the split good? Bad?

Blood and Tears

One commercial break in and I was bawling, and no it wasn't the movie making me cry it was the damn commercials! Seriously, Hall.mark commercials are evil. Well, really nice but completely evil all wrapped up in one pretty, chipper, sentimental package closed up with the crowned little gold foil seal. The first one, which focused on people passing on the kindness of giving thoughtful cards was bad enough but then they went and had one dealing with infertility! Great right? Riiiight.

I don't know if anyone else saw it. It was done very well I thought. Showed frustrations, sadness, longing and then of course a happy ending (adoption, baby boy) for the couple (maybe late 30's, not 21 year old perfect looking adorable kids). It made me smile with happiness for them but also cry because my husbands never been able to give me a Mother's Day card. So I cried. And then the movie was so moving that I cried more. I was a complete mess by 11pm. I always cry easily but this was a little ridiculous. Hall.mark commercials are now banned in this household. Chances are I'm going to buy their cards anyway, I don't need commercials to talk me into it. The movie was great though! I love stories of human triumph and compassion.

The good news about moments like this commercial is that they get my ass in gear to move forward. So I emailed our IVF coordinator today and asked for the lab orders we need to move forward. Also told here we're ready to start in June. I'll be back from Illinois very early in June so no reason to push it all the way to July. So as soon as we have the lab orders I am off the lab to have vile after vile of blood drawn. I'm sure they will tell me how great my veins are. You know that used to be fun and a little novelty. I'm starting to resent it. I have blood drawn too often. I know, I know it's only the begining. Bah! I can still not like it.

A few things

Foot: Cast and staples out. Holy ouch batman! They said it would pinch or sting a little. I got hot and nauseous and had to lay down. I felt like a complete wimp but that coupled with the alcohol rub to clean the still open incision about did me in. Beautiful Barry my doctor had to bring me a glass of cold water. I felt a bit like a damsel in distress. But happy to report that today it's not as bad. I've been testing it out and trying to see how being up for a few hours will be so I'm ready for work on Monday. I did take a picture of it before staple removal. Let's just say you could call it Franken Foot. Too icky to even post here I think.

Weekend: Suppose to be super nice. I can't garden but I can sit in my garden and appreciate the tulips that popped up this week. Somewhat afraid that sitting in my garden will also drive me slightly nuts because there are dandelions as tall as my daffodils. Must find a way to attach weed killer to my crutches so I can hop around and spray them.

Dreams: Music from Les Miserables usually makes me a bit teary. I think it was the first musical I fell in love with and the songs are so beautiful that I never tire of listening to them. Susan Boyle singing I Dreamed A Dream made me cry. Her voice is stunning. She is Fantine. I think I could listen to her singing that over and over without it getting old. I also found a copy of her singing Cry Me A River on yout.ube and I was blown away. This woman needs to record an album. I will buy it. She's amazing, and what I love most is that her dream came true. She wanted to sing. She wanted to do it for an audience. She was loved by everyone in that theater. She was loved by all of Britain. She's fast becoming a world wide celebrity. She's making people smile, sigh, and cry with happiness. It's her own fairytale come to life and I couldn't be happier for her. So nice to see something positive on the news and so wonderful to watch a dream come true. Dreams really do come true. Something to hold on to when you're watching your own dream put on hold or thinking your dream will never see the light of day. Susan Boyle is proof that it can happen.

Thoughts: Sending special thoughts to a few people in real life land and blog friend land. I know a few of you are struggling right now. In some cases I'm not even sure what is causing your struggle, but I am thinking of you and hoping it gets better soon.

Happy thoughts for your weekend. Let the sunshine in, even if the day is overcast.

Moments brought to you by pain meds

I had a thought today....

It's been over a month since I last set foot (or crutch) in a This is obviously why the economic downturn continues. I haven't been able to stimulate any retail markets! Sad story. Upon further reflection I haven't been to Sephora in months! I missed my birthday present with them. Again, sad story.

Also, while cleaning out my hair brush today (percocet makes me want to clean and I can't walk so this was the best I could do) I noticed there was quite a bit of blue snuggie fuzz in it. I hope I haven't had snuggie fuzz in my hair lately. I would hope someone would tell me if I did. This is troublesome.

A Book Worth Reading #2

Weekend before last we had sunshine and warm, almost summer like temperatures. I took advantage of the sunshine and took a new book out to the back yard to do some reading. I've been reading a lot lately, one of the few benefits of having a broken foot. Here is a picture that sums up the day... a hard cider, a good book, a close to blooming lilac bush and sunshine. It was a great day, in part because the book was so great!

Standing Up To The Madness: Ordinary Heroes in Extraordinary Times by Amy Goodman and David Goodman was actually sent to me via the publisher so it was a special surprise. I didn't even seek this book out and yet it found its way to me. I like the idea that books I'm suppose to read find their way to me.

I found Standing Up to be inspiring and maddening. Inspiring in that the pages and stories they contain are proof that people still make a difference in this society, and maddening in that the stories in this book are even necessary. Stories like that of Raed Jarrar, a US resident, formerly from Iraq who was taken off a flight from NYC to Oakland because a shirt he wore had the words "We Will Not Be Silent" in English and Arabic. The shirt was produced by an anti-war group and is the slogan of The White Rose, the anti-Nazi group famous for publishing anti-Nazi material during Hitler's reign of terror. The airline ended up purchasing another shirt for him from a gift shop and forced him to wear it in order to fly that day. Makes me want to put on the same shirt and fly, and yet because my skin is not the same color it probably wouldn't be an issue.

The book details the stories of normal, every day people who stood up the government and won. People who had the courage to say "this is not right" and preserver. In today's political climate that's not always the easiest thing to do.

I will say that the book is decidedly liberal. Being a super bleeding heart liberal, I didn't take issue with that, and I found that the Left Wing was held accountable in some areas too, but it's still a very liberal book. If you love Bush, The Patriot Act, and don't believe that global warming is a real issue you're not going to enjoy this. I'd still encourage you to read it, if only to remember that movements by people no matter how large or small are still happening in our country and they are amazing, no matter your political belief. In the same breath I want to say that it's easy to bash the Bush administration, but this book isn't just about that. Yes there is criticism, but the focus of this book is the movements people made to fix and or challenge what was wrong with that administration and other facets in our country that needed help. It's about the people who make the effort.

I am always moved by people who start grass roots organization and set out to make this country a better place. To read about high school students willing to stand up to a school administration when they were being censored makes me smile. To know that they fought to be the voice of Iraqi Veterans made it that much more moving. Reading about the devastation of Katrina and those still working in New Orleans to clean up, rebuild and support a community that slipped through the slippery hands of our government was inspiring. It's easy to forget that areas ruined by Katrina are still suffering and trying to rebuild. You don't see it on the news now. You don't see the stories of those people who stayed and fought to keep their city. There are so many more stories contained in these pages. It's pages and pages of pure inspiration and you don't find that often.

If you want to read a book that reminds you of the goodness in the human race read this book. If you want to feel positive about things happening in this country read this book. If you want news worthy stories that are actually positive, read this book. Just read the book!


Crisis averted! I have a new prescription, I have pain relief in my system and I am in clean clothes! Please imagine the heaviest sigh of relief you have ever heard. That's the sound I just made. Ahhhhh. I feel like singing! That could be the percocet.

Really this is just a quick update to let you all know that the Hygiene Debacle of 2009 has been avoided. I know you were all very worried. I was worried.

I'm scrubbed clean, hair blown dry and face washed. In fact I was scrubbing my face so well that I accidentally slipped, shoved a finger nail up a nostril, scraped off half an inch of flesh and caused a pretty bad nose bleed. Now I have a tuft of tissue stuck up in my nose. It's quite sexy. Seriously, only I could be so graceful. I am thankful Scott is not home to laugh at me, though he'll read this and have a good chuckle. At least it's not painful!

Now I will get back to half napping, half reading. Even if I can't feel my foot I have to stay off it!

PS. I thought I had lost my camera, and then I found it in my purse. How it got there I don't know. I haven't used my purse in six days. Why I thought to look in my purse I don't know. I suspect I do lots things while on percocet that I don't remember....that freaks me out a bit...

PPS. Here are the pictures of Olivia that I mentioned. Love that her tongue sticks out when she's sleeping. In the second one she has managed to take over more of the couch width than I have. She weighs 14lbs yet balloons to about 60 while sleeping.

hot, steamy dreams...

of taking a shower! Geeez what were you thinking?

Today is day five, or maybe day six. Do you count the actual day of surgery or the first day after? I don't know for sure. I guess technically this is the sixth day I've sat on the couch so we'll say it's day six.

Day Six - Painful! Dude by now I would have thought it would be a bit better. I have to go back to work on Friday. There better be some massive improvement in the next few days if that's going to happen.

I'm almost out of pain meds. I've actually been taking less and less in an effort to make them last longer which of course is probably why I'm suddenly in much more pain than I had been. I'm actually fine if I just sit on the couch, it's getting up to go to the bathroom that makes me shriek in agony. I had lofty goals of getting up and changing clothes today, washing my hair, maybe even attempting a full on shower. Dreams of steamy water have been dashed. I can't even stand up without throbbing pain today. So here I sit, dirty. I did make it to the deodorant so at least I'm not stinky! I've made a call to get more drugs. I really hope they let me have more. I want to change my pants! Sorry, probably TMI...

Apparently because of the class of drug you have to have a paper written order for them, no fax, no phone call. This presents a bit of an issue as I can't drive. The pharmacy guy told me I should have them FedEx it. That seems silly to me. Thankfully Charity is hanging out with me today so she can take me to the doctor's office if they call and do in fact allow me some more happy pills. So while she works on her laptop, I type on my blog before going back to sleep.

I do sleep a lot. A LOT. More than I did in college when I was supposed to be a class. Not sure if that's the drugs or just my body being incredibly tired. Luckily my trusty companion Olivia has been by my side the entire time. Really this experience has made me feel a little sorry for people who don't have a fur baby to sit with them, keep them warm and snuzzle them with love. I took pictures of her a few nights ago because she was completely sprawled out on me, tongue poking out of her mouth, snoring like a log. I can't post the picture because the camera is out of reach and I'm not getting up to get it.

So that's that, not too entertaining, nothing much to report. Guess I'm off to watch some Full House and Gilmore Girls before my next nap. I think happy pills would help me post more entertaining blogs....need happy pills!

I got screwed!

No really, I did!

I'm at home, on the couch resting. The nerve blocker has yet to wear off so I've had no pain. Really it just feels like my foot has been to the dentist. It should wear off in three to six hours so I will be taking a percoet in two, just to be safe.

The doctor said it never would have healed on it's own. And I got another compliment on my veins. I really must have some super special veins. Nurses love me!

Cheryl came by with flowers and a gift card for Pizza Hut. Good friend :) Some people coming by to check on me tomorrow when Scott is at work. Other than that, nothing to report. tomorrow may try to type while on pain killers, should be fun for all! :)
When I started this blog the title was meant to be a play on the city I live in, Portland - The City of Roses, where it rains A LOT! And also a play on the song "My Favorite Things" because I love that song. It never fails to make me smile and sometimes even makes me feel the urge to make horrible jumper outfits out of old curtains...okay not really, but it does make me want to stand on a grassy hill and sing as loud as possible.

Today I decided to get back to my favorite things for a moment. I spent the weekend trying to enjoy as much sunshine as possible.

Going Under the Knife

I finally got word from the insurance lady (after I called her again!) that my surgery was approved on the 31st!?!?! She swears she faxed it to the clinic. I called the clinic who has been nothing but helpful and they still haven't seen the paper work but said that if I felt comfortable moving forward on the verbal authorization they would be happy to schedule my surgery.

So Wednesday morning I go in and have the pin put in. Tuesday I will probably have a pre-opp appointment. I have no idea what that entails but if they say I have to go, I'll go. I'll do anything to get this stupid foot fixed. ANYTHING! I'd even eat one of those nasty cockroach things from one of those TV game shows if that's what it took. I'm happy I don't have to do that, but I would if that's what I had to do!

I am VERY nervous. I am worried about pain and how wimpy I am. I'm worried about missing work for a week. I'm worried about all sorts of crap! I actually have to force myself not to think about it or I could freak myself out. I have an amazing ability to become completely unhinged with worry if I allow myself to. I am currently trying to keep that in check. I am winning at the moment. My evil twin Worry Wart could win in the end.

I am also feeling the need to completely clean my house right now in prep. I think I will spend a lot of time on laundry and scrubbing this weekend.

In other news, my iTunes account was hacked into this morning. Two purchases for $50 gift cards were made. I already called and had my credit card canceled but this kind of thing is always such a hassle. In doing a little research online it looks like this has been happening to quite a few people in the last few weeks/months. So much so that iTunes has actually changed the gift certificate purchase options so you can't make purchases larger than $50. Seems like if they knew something was wrong, and people were hacking in and stealing GC for $200, they would just stop it all together, not limit the amounts? Or at least post a warning to users? I hope my bank will dispute the charges for me. Hate to be out $100... grumble, grumble.

Wondering Why

I got an email today from my mother in law about one of Scott's cousins and a horrible tragedy over the last few days. Scott's cousin J is very involved in his church and helps lead the youth group. This week he and the church's pastor, Pastor G, took a group of boys on a three day camping trip. on their way home on Tuesday there was an accident, and some of the details are still unknown to us but it seems like maybe his truck was stuck in some mud on a logging road and as he tried to inch forward the vehicle plunged down a 200 foot embankment.

J was the first on the scene of the accident and found his pastor as well as 6 or 7 kids out of the vehicle, all with very severe injuries including broken bones and head trauma. Pastor G died while J tended to one of the kids who couldn't stay still even with a broken hip. Rescue crews had to repel down to them and were also hampered by a storm.

They are a very close knit church community, and all come from a very small town in Eastern Oregon. I can't really even begin to imagine the impact on them at this point.

The sadness this brings to my own heart is immense and I don't know any of the victims. J is one of those people who will do anything for anyone. If you need it he'll see to it that you are helped. He is jovial and kind, gregarious and warm. He's just one of the good guys in this world and I know he looked up to Pastor G, was even married by him just this past summer. Scott's family was very close to Pastor G and are certainly devastated. Just so sad.

Now I pause to wonder why things like this happen? Why would a person so intent on making a difference in the lives of the youth around him be taken? Why would these children who came together for a retreat to grow closer to one another and God be handed an ending like this? Why are his wife and children left behind? It's so easy to grow angry with Him when these things happen and yet I know that their faith in Him is what will bring them though this.

I am always in awe of those who have absolute faith, those who can look at this situation and know that they have given their loved ones to a better place, and know that He had a plan. How awesome to just know that. How comforting to feel that.

My heart says He had a plan and needed Pastor G. My mind is befuddled and frustrated.

I'll be saying a special prayer for everyone tonight. I know He'll hear me, even though I'm still sitting here baffled by His plan. I know He'll forgive me for this because He knows I am trying to understand. It's okay to wonder why because that is what leads me to delve further into my own quest for absolute faith.

Current Status on Facebook: Erin often wonders why? And has to remind herself that we're not supposed to have all the answers all the time.

Response From Friend Geoff: Definitely not supposed to have all the answers all the time, but wondering why is important.