Back in the sadle!

I did it. I went to the gym today. It felt good to have my ass kicked by the elliptical machine. I will probably hurt a bit tomorrow but I'll go back.

It was hard today, my ankle is very achy as we've had some rain today so the pressure in the air makes it hurt. But I decided my new motto is "I can. I will." I popped a few ibuprofen to help with the swelling and got on the machine.

I absolutely LOVE the new gym. It's pretty, light and bright, and it was empty at 4:45?? Weird! I can only assume that's because beat the 5pm crowd and the gym is not near a large business complex? I'm hoping it was not a fluke.

We had a lovely visit with Scott's older brother this last weekend. He flew in for a few days between shows. He is a Prop Master (is that the right title Andy?) for Broadway shows. He was in between shows and decided to visit. We went to the Adult Soapbox Derby Race on Mt. Tabor. It's a pretty crazy event though I understand it has gotten a little less crazy in the last few years. Just imagine grown men and women racing down an extinct volcano (yes we have a volcano cinder come within our city limits!) in hand made "cars". Some are super fancy and fast, some are just plain funny, some you wonder how on earth they will make it down the hill in one piece. It was a hoot and we had a good time on a perfect summer day.

This weekend is Hood to Coast where crazy runner people run from Mt. Hood - another volcano that is technically active but only has a 3-7% chance of eruption - to the coast. That's 197 miles, broken into 36 legs and each runner has to do at least three of those legs. It's for crazy people. Like Charity! She will be running this year, as well at a few other friends. I may try to catch a glimpse of them if they have legs in Portland proper.

So that's that. Back to the gym tomorrow!

Another Goal

I've decided to set yet another goal for myself. I am really, really good at setting goals. I am a dreamer at heart so I see visions of all that can be accomplished and how grand it will all be in the end. Somehow I'm just not all that good and achieving the goal. I don't know why this is. I do have the best intentions. I just get off track or lose focus. This leaves me feeling unaccomplished which is not a very good feeling. I want to be good at something. I want to be really good at something. That takes time and practice.

Right now I have time. I need to occupy it rather than sit around and feel sorry for myself. Someday I will have children, just not right this moment. Right this moment I should take the time I have and do something with it.

So I'm starting a new routine. Today I will go to the gym, the new one by my house bump up my membership so I can use it. Why 24 Hour Fitness made this club special is beyond me, but to use it I have to pay a little extra a month for it. But I will go because it's so close. I will go there each morning. Every. Single. Morning. I will be there by 5:30 so I can spend an hour working out before coming home to shower and get ready for work. It will become my new obsession. I will not be allowed to look at my email or facebook until I am done.

I will also spend at least one half hour writing each night. Perhaps this blog, perhaps a story outline. I want to be a writer someday. I need to practice. I need to hone my skills and find my voice.

I am going to accomplish this. I will be accomplished. So that when I do become a mother I can say that I finish things, I take care of things, I can do that, I can do anything! Because if we're being honest, while I want to be a mother, I want it more than anything in this world, I do worry that I won't be good enough.

I will still allow myself to throw a pity party when I have hard days. I like to cry, it makes me feel better sometimes, it's a release. And I can rock that whole mascara running down your cheeks look...okay maybe not. In fact I get ugly when I cry, really fast, but it still feels good.

So that's that. Wish me luck.

The world is passing me by…

Some days I feel like that. Like I missed the on ramp for the way life is supposed to be going. Or maybe I took a wrong turn a while back and never got back on the right path. Maybe someone handed me a bad map. I usually have a very good sense of direction, lately my compass has been spinning out of control.

It’s really only a problem when I’ve had a moment to sit and reflect and for some reason I've been doing that a bit this week.

I’m 31. I’ve been married for 9 years. I don’t have children. I am at least one year out from having them if not more.

Today I’m struggling with the timing issues. We need to wait, and save more. It’s expensive to do IVF. It makes sense to save up the extra money for the partial refund guarantee option. But then my mind starts running dates vs. numbers. If we wait until next year to try and by the grace of God I did get pregnant I wouldn’t be due until near the end of the year. I’d be 32. To try again, to save up to try for a sibling would be a long process, and then I’d be near 35. That time when fertility doctors look at you with more concern and less enthusiasm. The literal biological clock does tick. It ticks loudly as you approach 35. So now I’m stressed about that. This is ridiculous. I can’t control anything at this point. And yet, I stress. And what's six months of waiting in the grand scheme of things? We've been waiting eight years right? What's another half? Except today I feel like 8.25 years is my breaking point. And if we don't wait, and just jump right in and it doesn't work then we are really back at square one. Better to have tried and failed and then to have waited...and waited...and waited?

Why does it have to cost so much? Why can’t the US provide this service to those of us willing to jump though every hoop to have children? Why can’t adoption be more affordable? Why is it always about money? Always! Why? Why? Why?

A very close friend has offered some monetary assistance. Enough to make it possible to move forward very soon. But taking money that belongs to someone else is scary. I’m afraid I will feel guilty if it doesn’t work out. But the selfish person in me says to take it and move forward. She wants me to be happy. She has explained this time and time again. She knows it’s important to me and she’s in a position to help me. But it’s hard to take help. It’s a pride thing I suppose.

My brain says to do one thing, my hearts says to do another. I’m a very practical person but today the tug of my heart feels stronger. Like it’s ready to make a leap of faith. But that’s freaking scary.

I’m so discombobulated…so…so something.

Do me a favor will ya? Comment and tell me I’m not crazy to feel like this. This girl could use some encouragement and even advice if you’re willing to offer it.

Rude Awakening

I was awoken in the middle of the night by an obnoxious beeping. I had earplugs in and the fan was going so you can imagine that it was fairly loud. Scott didn't notice a bit. I had been asleep for hours so I wasn't quite connecting the sound I was hearing. At first thought it was a truck backing up outside, but it kept going and no one backs up for five minutes. Then I thought it might be the smoke detector telling me its batteries were low. I had blurry sleepy visions of Phoebe beating her smoke detector with a baseball bat. Remembering that there are no batteries in the smoke detector (yes I know it's bad, but it sits just outside the bathroom so if you take a steamy shower it goes off!) I decided I was going to have to get out of bed and check it out. On the way I stepped on a broken hanger Scott had left on the floor, then tripped over his foot hanging off the side of the bed. I'm starting to feel like my house is something of a war zone with all sorts of mines for me to step on. Oh but I really had no idea... rI followed the sound out into the living room where our iPod docking station/alarm clock was going off. The screen read 12:01 and in my sleepy brain I assumed that was the time. I stumbled across the room to tried and turn it off. Just as I got to the table where it was I felt something smushy and sticky under my bare foot. Dog crap. I was barefoot! The little monster had crapped in the house while we were out and I hadn't noticed.

My first thought was, "One minute into Monday and I've got dog crap on my foot." Then I realized it was actually 1:00am and my second thought was "One hour into Monday doesn't make it any better."

Thankfully the rest of the day wasn't nearly as crappy. PAC is out of town for the entire week so the general mood in the office is much lighter. Scott and I had a really nice weekend together and I started the week off well rested.

I wish I could say I had something exciting to update here, but I really don't. Life seems kind of still at the moment. It's not a bad thing really. Just not all that exciting, unless you consider dog pooh on your foot exciting. I know I don't.

I am currently watching Mad Men, which might be the best show since The West Wing. I'm only on episode five and I'm hooked. I want every dress they have! I was meant to wear dresses with crinolines...Dresses with crinolines and high heals. Certainly not bare feet anymore!