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The world is passing me by…

Some days I feel like that. Like I missed the on ramp for the way life is supposed to be going. Or maybe I took a wrong turn a while back and never got back on the right path. Maybe someone handed me a bad map. I usually have a very good sense of direction, lately my compass has been spinning out of control.

It’s really only a problem when I’ve had a moment to sit and reflect and for some reason I've been doing that a bit this week.

I’m 31. I’ve been married for 9 years. I don’t have children. I am at least one year out from having them if not more.

Today I’m struggling with the timing issues. We need to wait, and save more. It’s expensive to do IVF. It makes sense to save up the extra money for the partial refund guarantee option. But then my mind starts running dates vs. numbers. If we wait until next year to try and by the grace of God I did get pregnant I wouldn’t be due until near the end of the year. I’d be 32. To try again, to save up to try for a sibling would be a long process, and then I’d be near 35. That time when fertility doctors look at you with more concern and less enthusiasm. The literal biological clock does tick. It ticks loudly as you approach 35. So now I’m stressed about that. This is ridiculous. I can’t control anything at this point. And yet, I stress. And what's six months of waiting in the grand scheme of things? We've been waiting eight years right? What's another half? Except today I feel like 8.25 years is my breaking point. And if we don't wait, and just jump right in and it doesn't work then we are really back at square one. Better to have tried and failed and then to have waited...and waited...and waited?

Why does it have to cost so much? Why can’t the US provide this service to those of us willing to jump though every hoop to have children? Why can’t adoption be more affordable? Why is it always about money? Always! Why? Why? Why?

A very close friend has offered some monetary assistance. Enough to make it possible to move forward very soon. But taking money that belongs to someone else is scary. I’m afraid I will feel guilty if it doesn’t work out. But the selfish person in me says to take it and move forward. She wants me to be happy. She has explained this time and time again. She knows it’s important to me and she’s in a position to help me. But it’s hard to take help. It’s a pride thing I suppose.

My brain says to do one thing, my hearts says to do another. I’m a very practical person but today the tug of my heart feels stronger. Like it’s ready to make a leap of faith. But that’s freaking scary.

I’m so discombobulated…so…so something.

Do me a favor will ya? Comment and tell me I’m not crazy to feel like this. This girl could use some encouragement and even advice if you’re willing to offer it.

3 comments:

magaw said...

Once Again, ANDY, not MAGAW:

The "Friend's Money" thing would rip me apart also, to have the answer right there in front of you from the most trusted source, but so many ways that transaction could end badly, human nature is crazy unpredictable. I feel for you Erin.

About Life Passing you by, I have to say you are totally justified in feeling that way at times. You are nearing the end of a very long and hard couple of years, but I garentee, once the switch flips, and things start working out in your favor again, you are going to wish the world would slow down a bit and let you memorize all of the joy in your life. I think that Joy and Pain balance eachother out in the end, and the end is still a long ways away.

It was really nice to see you last night, I look forward to hanging out with you guys this week.

Sorry, Mom's Computer does not have automatic spell check :(

Stacey said...

Of course you are not crazy! You're not alone in your feelings either. (Unless that means we're BOTH crazy!)

Seriously, this is a very hard thing to deal with on a daily basis. I'm 32, been married 11 years. I think about the fact that I don't have children every single day, but I don't want to let it control or define me. It certainly is a hard road with lots and lots of decisions to make.

I say you're doing a fabulous job! I admire your outlook, your positive attitude, and your sense of humor.
Hang in there. You'll make it one day at a time.

Megan said...

You are NOT crazy. I promise. All normal feelings and totally justified! Such a generous friend to offer you her assistance...and it's a hard thing to think about. How does Scott feel about the money? I think, maybe because this happened with my brother and sister-in-law, that if people offer to help with the cost of IVF, you are helping yourself and THEM by accepting. It is so hard to watch your loved ones go through a fertility struggle. You want to do everything you can to help them. And sadly, with the IVF system, money is what it takes to get the ball rolling. Your friend wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to help. I would definitely think about accepting the offer. Everyone in my family was willing to pitch in if meant helping my brother and his wife reach their goal of having a baby sooner...it was so hard to watch them struggle.
Anywho, that's my two cents. :) Hugs!!!