I reached into my super comfy, super puffy down vest this morning and discovered $5! It was the perfect way to start my morning. I've decided it will be an omen for the weekend. Regardless of my wacky mood swings and such it will be a good weekend.
Speaking of mood swings, on the way to work this morning, I was looking up at OHSU and it overwhelmed me. The buildings provide me with extremely mixed emotions. The view of the large hospital campus on Marquam Hill is so beautifully lit in the morning, the glass is pink from the sun rise and the misty fog of the cold morning made it seem almost ethereal. In all it's beauty all I could think of was Greg and Shana and the battle they are facing. I hate cancer. I hate that it came back after nearly a year of health and fun for them. It made me teary and I actually had to turn the radio off because the music was making it worse and I didn't want to be bawling and get the ugly cry face on my way to work then have to explain to everyone why I was red and puffier then an angry puffer fish. And then as I continued over the Ross Island Bridge I glanced over at the South Campus to my left and looked at the building that contains the Fertility Clinic and felt a little buoyed. It's the building that will play a large part in my life in the year to come. A building that will possibly give us a new little life, and then I wanted to cry again so I had plug my ipod in and listen to some of my running music which is pretty much void of anything emotional. Two very different feelings, all one hospital. It's a bit hard to reconcile what hospitals are, so many times they are a healing place, and other times not. It makes me shake my head now, hours later.
This is exactly why I can't watch ER anymore, I go from happy to sad and all the places inbetween and then I cry and Scott looks at me funny but I cry more because they killed of Dr. Pratt and then I wake up the next morning looking like someone punched me. It's not pretty.
* sigh * pause for moment *
Okay, on another topic I drove into work this morning and the same lighting that had graced OHSU was falling upon the vineyards. Thankfully, for once, I had my camera with me and got a few good shots of the rows encased in the fog. I can't pull them off the camera at the moment so I'll post them later, but they are quite pretty if I do say so myself...
On a really happy note I'm going to see Movin' Out tomorrow with Cheryl, and strangely enough Ritchie and his new girlfriend (guess she's not that new, but new to me) also have tickets so we're all going to have dinner together. Should be a perfect way to spend a Saturday eveing. I'm pretty excited actually. Musical theater makes me giddy. Like jump around the house, act out scenes, sing at the top of my lungs giddy. Scott will surely be rolling his eyes at me for the majority of the weekend. If not the musical theater bug, then surely the random crying fits!
So I'm off now, to finish my Friday then move into the blessed weekend. Hope you all have good weekends too, sleep in, it's good for you!
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
I'm sorry, in advance
It has begun. I've officially started medication to assist in the Meeker Baby Project. This particular medication is just for a few days so it shouldn't be too bad, but I've taken it before and it does tend to make me a raging bitch. So I apologize in advance if I snap at you or threaten to harm you in the next week.
I was reading my new book Infertility Survival Handbook last night and it's pretty brutally honest. I appreciate that, there are things I'm going to need to know, things that are good to hear from other people who have suffered the same fate. However, it's also pretty damn scary.
One of the things it talks about is losing you body to the hormones and medications. Weight gain is almost a given and because you're dealing with hormones it's often hard to shed when all is said and done. I've just started to make the effort to get my twenty-something body back and now it's bound to be lost in the mess that is progesterone! I'm going to try not to worry about it too much and just focus on eating better and making it the gym three to four times a week. There isn't much more I can do. ****Edit to include some positive thoughts**** My mother reports that after two years on Clomid, then having me, she weighed less then she had in three years! So maybe I can be skinny after too!****
Another thing it talks about is removing yourself from situations that make you upset or sad. This could be a baby shower, or little kid birthday parties, even getting your nails done with all your breeder (term for those who have babies, not to be confused with the same term used to indicate heterosexual beings rather than homosexual beings) friends. I really hope it doesn't come to that for me, but I think it's unrealistic to not think about it. I'm already jealous of mommies and daddies. I covet their babies and all the gear that comes with them. I'm sure this isn't good, but I know that it's normal for people like me. Did anyone see 30 Rock last week? Liz Lemon had the purse full of baby shoes...I'm not that bad, but there is indication that it could become that bad...
I think I'd be really sad to lose or step away from friends because I couldn't cope, or they were too frustrated by me. I know it's bound to happen at some point though. I want to say right here, in the start, that if this happens, if I somehow lose one of you it's not because I didn't/don't love you. That certainly isn't it. I think it really comes down to needing people who can care for me when I need it. That sounds a bit selfish typed out like that, and I'm not sure it's the right words to convey what I'm trying to say. It's just that, unless you've felt it, done it, been hurt by it, or survived it you may not know what I want/need. That's no fault of yours or mine. It just is.
Having said all that, my goal is to be aware of my extreme mood swings and irrational behavior. I have a tendency to lash out and hold a grudge so I'm going to work on that, but no guarantees because the nature of the drugs are irrational behavior coupled with severe mood swings and irritability. Basically you might thank your lucky stars that you don't have to see me or talk to me for a while. It should also be noted that Scott may need extra sympathy at these times. If you do want to see my head spin like the wicked witch we'll have scheduled showings :)
If it comes to a point where I'm not nice anymore, and you want to talk to me about it, email me. That's the best way. Then I don't cry and carry on and you don't feel like a jack ass for having valid and normal feelings.
So with that out in the open, let's move on! Cross your fingers for us that blood work is possible in the next week or so, that it doesn't reveal anything too terrible and that we can move on to the next step.
And now, being done with my selfish talk and requests for myself, could you also say a prayer for Greg and Shana. Greg's cancer is proving to be a real pain in the arse and I know they can use all the good thougts anyone can muster. It's quite scary to think about what this diagnoisis could mean for him, and today is his 32nd birthday....very scary indeed. Yet, he is more determined then most people in this world.
I was reading my new book Infertility Survival Handbook last night and it's pretty brutally honest. I appreciate that, there are things I'm going to need to know, things that are good to hear from other people who have suffered the same fate. However, it's also pretty damn scary.
One of the things it talks about is losing you body to the hormones and medications. Weight gain is almost a given and because you're dealing with hormones it's often hard to shed when all is said and done. I've just started to make the effort to get my twenty-something body back and now it's bound to be lost in the mess that is progesterone! I'm going to try not to worry about it too much and just focus on eating better and making it the gym three to four times a week. There isn't much more I can do. ****Edit to include some positive thoughts**** My mother reports that after two years on Clomid, then having me, she weighed less then she had in three years! So maybe I can be skinny after too!****
Another thing it talks about is removing yourself from situations that make you upset or sad. This could be a baby shower, or little kid birthday parties, even getting your nails done with all your breeder (term for those who have babies, not to be confused with the same term used to indicate heterosexual beings rather than homosexual beings) friends. I really hope it doesn't come to that for me, but I think it's unrealistic to not think about it. I'm already jealous of mommies and daddies. I covet their babies and all the gear that comes with them. I'm sure this isn't good, but I know that it's normal for people like me. Did anyone see 30 Rock last week? Liz Lemon had the purse full of baby shoes...I'm not that bad, but there is indication that it could become that bad...
I think I'd be really sad to lose or step away from friends because I couldn't cope, or they were too frustrated by me. I know it's bound to happen at some point though. I want to say right here, in the start, that if this happens, if I somehow lose one of you it's not because I didn't/don't love you. That certainly isn't it. I think it really comes down to needing people who can care for me when I need it. That sounds a bit selfish typed out like that, and I'm not sure it's the right words to convey what I'm trying to say. It's just that, unless you've felt it, done it, been hurt by it, or survived it you may not know what I want/need. That's no fault of yours or mine. It just is.
Having said all that, my goal is to be aware of my extreme mood swings and irrational behavior. I have a tendency to lash out and hold a grudge so I'm going to work on that, but no guarantees because the nature of the drugs are irrational behavior coupled with severe mood swings and irritability. Basically you might thank your lucky stars that you don't have to see me or talk to me for a while. It should also be noted that Scott may need extra sympathy at these times. If you do want to see my head spin like the wicked witch we'll have scheduled showings :)
If it comes to a point where I'm not nice anymore, and you want to talk to me about it, email me. That's the best way. Then I don't cry and carry on and you don't feel like a jack ass for having valid and normal feelings.
So with that out in the open, let's move on! Cross your fingers for us that blood work is possible in the next week or so, that it doesn't reveal anything too terrible and that we can move on to the next step.
And now, being done with my selfish talk and requests for myself, could you also say a prayer for Greg and Shana. Greg's cancer is proving to be a real pain in the arse and I know they can use all the good thougts anyone can muster. It's quite scary to think about what this diagnoisis could mean for him, and today is his 32nd birthday....very scary indeed. Yet, he is more determined then most people in this world.
Spending money on stupid stuff...
Okay, is it wrong to buy a pregnancy test at the dollar store? And no, I'm not pregnant, but I have to take a stupid test to prove it before I can start a new medicine for baby making.
So is it okay? Tests in drug stores run around $12. Just $12, but having bought many a test, and wasted all that money on all those tests I am anti-test these days. But if I buy one at the dollar store is it deemed a real test? How could it possibly work correctly if it was just $1?!?! But since I know I'm not PG, does it matter if the test doesn't really work? I'm gonna get a BFN (big fat negative) no matter, so maybe I should just spend the $1. Then I can get it over with, take the medication, get started on a cycle so I can have blood work done and move on. What a medical delima!
I hate spending money on stupid things!
On a happy note, Gretta the Jetta's taillight is covered under our comprehensive insurance so it will only cost me $100 for the deductible rather than the $259 for the part + labor! But really, that $100 should fall under spending money on stupid things too. Some stupid thing decided to smash my car in and I'm out $100. Grrr!
PS. OHSU is super wonderful. Their nurses in the fertility clinic are very responsive, very helpful and just plain nice. So happy to be working with them. Let's see if that's the case in three or four months when they make me shoot myself with needles and such. Betcha I won't be so happy then....
Happy Monday!
So is it okay? Tests in drug stores run around $12. Just $12, but having bought many a test, and wasted all that money on all those tests I am anti-test these days. But if I buy one at the dollar store is it deemed a real test? How could it possibly work correctly if it was just $1?!?! But since I know I'm not PG, does it matter if the test doesn't really work? I'm gonna get a BFN (big fat negative) no matter, so maybe I should just spend the $1. Then I can get it over with, take the medication, get started on a cycle so I can have blood work done and move on. What a medical delima!
I hate spending money on stupid things!
On a happy note, Gretta the Jetta's taillight is covered under our comprehensive insurance so it will only cost me $100 for the deductible rather than the $259 for the part + labor! But really, that $100 should fall under spending money on stupid things too. Some stupid thing decided to smash my car in and I'm out $100. Grrr!
PS. OHSU is super wonderful. Their nurses in the fertility clinic are very responsive, very helpful and just plain nice. So happy to be working with them. Let's see if that's the case in three or four months when they make me shoot myself with needles and such. Betcha I won't be so happy then....
Happy Monday!
The good, the bad, the ugly and treadmills
The Good - Christmas is just around the corner! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this time of year. I get to decorate things, buy sparkly things, and wrap the prettiest presents in the world. I get to pick out gifts that are just perfect for people and fight my urge to give them away early. I get to sing songs and watch silly movies. Ideally in my world Christmas would happen every three months. Right this very moment I am sitting on my couch with my dog, gazing at my beautiful, lit up tree. There are even a few presents under it. It makes me smile just to look at it! I'm even gonna take a picture of it to share with you! The only thing that could make this evening better is my very own bag of Cadburry Mini Eggs!
My pretty little tree glowing in the corner.
Scott and me in our awesome Christmas sweaters. I know you're jealous right?
I think the fur collar really makes mine.
The Bad - I haven't been able to move forward with the OHSU Fertility Clinic because my stupid body refuses to cooperate. I will have to call them this week and ask them how we should proceed seeing as I can't take a day three blood test if day three never comes. Seriously, this always happens. Anytime we decide to think about taking actual, real steps towards treatments my system shuts down completely. I'm going to blame it on stress this time. I'm not really that stressed (unless you ask me about the economy and Scott getting work) but I don't have any other excuse and right now I need a scape goat. It's way easier to blame the issues on something that could potentially change. And yes, in case you were wondering I do see the world though rose colored glasses...today. Tomorrow is any one's guess. Regardless we are at a standstill until I make a phone call. I just need to do it. I don't understand my own hesitation. It's times like this I have to remind myself that if something is going to happen I have to make it happen. Just push though the nervousness, prepare for disappointment or change and get it over with.
In the last few weeks we've found out about four other couples who are now soon to be parents. I'm trying really hard to keep my emotions in check. I know it's not their fault I'm not in the same place they are, and I am genuinely happy for them. I know they will all make wonderful parents, I just wish I could take the journey with them. I've promised myself I won't be an emotional wreck in their presence. They deserve excited people around them, they deserve well wishes and congratulations and I hope someday they'll get to return the excitement for me. But god if it isn't hard to keep that smiling face going. And that's where the ugly comes in to play. I think it's ugly that I'm such a bitch when I first hear about people who are expecting. Something I hate about myself. Something I don't know that will ever change. I hate being ugly and yet I can't help it, or I should say that I haven't made any attempt to help it. Yikes, writing that out makes me feel icky. That should be reason enough to change the way I react...something to think about.
Treadmills - I need to get my ass on one. That's all really. I don't hate them, in fact I rather like them. But I haven't been on one in far too long. Next Monday I will make my way to one and I will walk on it for a while. I say Monday because I want this one last week of food debauchery before I head off into Healthy Land. Debauchery includes peanut sauce, oreo cookies, and hot cocoa. Not all together mind you.
Okay, off to snuggle with Olivia who is snoring worse than a drunk old man with a deviated septum!
Completely Frustrated and I'm In Love With a Vampire
I spent most of my lunch break today trying to get a hold of anyone at Kaiser who could help me schedule some lab work. I had to call four times and even after the fourth call I am not one step closer to having my labs ordered.
These labs are all for OHSU so we can proceed with the fertility consult and some are timely, read must be done on specific days. These specific days should be coming up next week so I wanted to be prepared. I know how Kaiser works and I know that I have to have the labs ordered by a doctor, I can't just show up for them. Unfortunately getting in touch with a doctor or even the OBGYN advice nurse is like picking up jello with a toothpick! I tried to set it all up last week too and was left on hold for 40 minutes and no one ever picked up! Today I was on the phone for a total of 40 minuets and never once got through to who I needed. Once the phone system even hung up on me.
Typically I am ready for the battle with Kaiser. I've been in their system long enough to know that appointments and the like take time to set up. Today I didn't have the patience. Partly because I made absoultely no progress. I couldn't even leave a message for someone.
Making it all the more frustrating is that I pay these people to treat me like this. For hundreds of dollars a month I pay them to ignore me, hang up on me, and be generally difficult to work with. All I want are some stinking blood tests that I will be paying for as we haven't met our deductible yet!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I am going to call OHSU and explain the situation. I am failry certain I can do the tests through them and I know they will at least return my call.
It's pathetic that my health care, which I pay for, can be so incredibly pathetic.
On a happy note, I saw Twilight this weekend. While not the best movie I've ever seen, and some of the worst acting I've ever witnessed, I still found myself with an ear to ear grin at times. Something about teenage vampire angsty love makes me a bit giddy. Edward was beautiful and more enjoyable than I though he would be. Oh who and I kidding, I was totally silly sappy loe struck by him! They did do an excellent job of showcasing the Pacific Northwest, Oregon in particular. I was able to recognize quite a few shooting locations and the color was identical to what we see here. If you've never been here, watch the movie and notice the green and gray. It is stunning, and quite true to what we see here for a large portion of our year. The shots in the Columbia River Gorge were absolutely beautiful!
***Edited Note****
OHSU just called with my Progesterone test results. They are consistent with anovulation, meaning I did not ovulate this cycle. I already knew this in my head but it sucks to hear it. It's just one more hurdle. Blech.
These labs are all for OHSU so we can proceed with the fertility consult and some are timely, read must be done on specific days. These specific days should be coming up next week so I wanted to be prepared. I know how Kaiser works and I know that I have to have the labs ordered by a doctor, I can't just show up for them. Unfortunately getting in touch with a doctor or even the OBGYN advice nurse is like picking up jello with a toothpick! I tried to set it all up last week too and was left on hold for 40 minutes and no one ever picked up! Today I was on the phone for a total of 40 minuets and never once got through to who I needed. Once the phone system even hung up on me.
Typically I am ready for the battle with Kaiser. I've been in their system long enough to know that appointments and the like take time to set up. Today I didn't have the patience. Partly because I made absoultely no progress. I couldn't even leave a message for someone.
Making it all the more frustrating is that I pay these people to treat me like this. For hundreds of dollars a month I pay them to ignore me, hang up on me, and be generally difficult to work with. All I want are some stinking blood tests that I will be paying for as we haven't met our deductible yet!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I am going to call OHSU and explain the situation. I am failry certain I can do the tests through them and I know they will at least return my call.
It's pathetic that my health care, which I pay for, can be so incredibly pathetic.
On a happy note, I saw Twilight this weekend. While not the best movie I've ever seen, and some of the worst acting I've ever witnessed, I still found myself with an ear to ear grin at times. Something about teenage vampire angsty love makes me a bit giddy. Edward was beautiful and more enjoyable than I though he would be. Oh who and I kidding, I was totally silly sappy loe struck by him! They did do an excellent job of showcasing the Pacific Northwest, Oregon in particular. I was able to recognize quite a few shooting locations and the color was identical to what we see here. If you've never been here, watch the movie and notice the green and gray. It is stunning, and quite true to what we see here for a large portion of our year. The shots in the Columbia River Gorge were absolutely beautiful!
***Edited Note****
OHSU just called with my Progesterone test results. They are consistent with anovulation, meaning I did not ovulate this cycle. I already knew this in my head but it sucks to hear it. It's just one more hurdle. Blech.
At least I'm somewhat youthful..
We went to our appointment yesterday and I feel pretty good about it, so far. The staff was extremely kind and personable, not something you always encounter at a doctors office. Even the front desk people were nice in that "grumpy wise cracking I've been doing this job for way too long" way. The new OHSU building is beautiful and we could almost see our house from the doctors office. The lobby has a great view of the river and downtown.
Our doctor asked if he could do an ultrasound, which I've never had so I was a little nervous, only because it's so weird to see yourself - internally - up on a screen. He looked at me, told me I have a nice uterus, hey I'll take any compliment I can get! He also said I had youthful ovaries and pointed at all these little bubble things that are apparently eggs. There were lots and lots of them. So I guess you could say I had my first glance at my possible future children. I was happy to hear that some part of my body was considered youthful!
He did tell us that what's wrong with us is considered the trifecta of fertility issues, tubal issues, ovulation issues, and possible male factor issues. I told him we've always been over achievers. I have a few more tests to take and then we'll have another consult via phone to decide how to proceed. They will decide if there is perhaps a surgery to correct scaring in my tubes (if that's even an issue) or if IVF should be our first step. They are fiscally aware and want to be conservative with our money which I really appreciate. We should know more in a week or two if my body cooperates which isn't always the case.
Scott was a great sport and even asked questions and followed along on diagrams. I'm so glad he went with me. They even let him sit in on the ultrasound.
I wouldn't say that they were extremely optimistic, but they weren't negative either. It was a matter of fact meeting and very informational. But I do feel really good about the facility and the staff. I can imagine that the staff, who you end up working with a lot, plays into attitude and in turn success. I'm going to attempt to maintain this positive feeling despite the rational side of my brain that constantly tells me not to get my hopes up.
I think that getting ready for the holidays will be a good distraction for me. I can make some gifts, get my cards done, decorate my little house, put up my village and snuggle into the couch with a good book. I can't control anything else at the moment.
So that's my update for now. Thanks to everyone who asked about it. While I know that many people are super private about things like this, I find that blogging about it makes me feel better, plus I'm Little Miss Chatterbox, it's nearly impossible for me not to share things. :)
Our doctor asked if he could do an ultrasound, which I've never had so I was a little nervous, only because it's so weird to see yourself - internally - up on a screen. He looked at me, told me I have a nice uterus, hey I'll take any compliment I can get! He also said I had youthful ovaries and pointed at all these little bubble things that are apparently eggs. There were lots and lots of them. So I guess you could say I had my first glance at my possible future children. I was happy to hear that some part of my body was considered youthful!
He did tell us that what's wrong with us is considered the trifecta of fertility issues, tubal issues, ovulation issues, and possible male factor issues. I told him we've always been over achievers. I have a few more tests to take and then we'll have another consult via phone to decide how to proceed. They will decide if there is perhaps a surgery to correct scaring in my tubes (if that's even an issue) or if IVF should be our first step. They are fiscally aware and want to be conservative with our money which I really appreciate. We should know more in a week or two if my body cooperates which isn't always the case.
Scott was a great sport and even asked questions and followed along on diagrams. I'm so glad he went with me. They even let him sit in on the ultrasound.
I wouldn't say that they were extremely optimistic, but they weren't negative either. It was a matter of fact meeting and very informational. But I do feel really good about the facility and the staff. I can imagine that the staff, who you end up working with a lot, plays into attitude and in turn success. I'm going to attempt to maintain this positive feeling despite the rational side of my brain that constantly tells me not to get my hopes up.
I think that getting ready for the holidays will be a good distraction for me. I can make some gifts, get my cards done, decorate my little house, put up my village and snuggle into the couch with a good book. I can't control anything else at the moment.
So that's my update for now. Thanks to everyone who asked about it. While I know that many people are super private about things like this, I find that blogging about it makes me feel better, plus I'm Little Miss Chatterbox, it's nearly impossible for me not to share things. :)
thursday is a big day
Thursday we go to OHSU for our first infertility consult. On the one hand I am totally excited, on the other I am extremely nervous and anxious. I think I will need tums, valium and wine on Thursday just to feel normal. Suppose I shouldn't go into a appointment in an altered state though huh? Lord knows I won't get much work done.
I read blogs out there in cyber space. Blogs that belong to other women like me. Many of them end with little bundles of joy, many don't. Those women are sad and alone, and have run out of funds and sometimes the emotional fortitude to continue. I'm very afraid that I will be one of those people. I don't want to be one of those people and I don't want to assume that I will be, but my head thinks it's easier to take the let down if I never let myself believe in what could be. I don't think it's any secret that I'm emotional, hell I can't even watch an episode of ER without needing Kleenex. I worry that being so emotional is going to take it's toll on me. I worry that they might tell me that we can't be helped. I worry that we'll invest everything into this process and still come up empty handed. Maybe I should stop reading those blogs. Often times I just end up in tears after reading one. But while they may have some sad endings, they also provide proof for me that I'm not crazy and that the feelings and reactions I have are actually normal. You see just a few weeks ago I'd become convinced that I was losing my mind and that I was a horrible person. Reading these other blogs reminded me that I'm not either of those things, I'm just unlucky for now and sometimes that doesn't bring out the best in a person.
I debated about canceling this appointment. With the market in it's current downward spiral Scott's work has very nearly run out so we're in super saver mode. Spending money on an appointment that could probably wait seems like a bad idea. I had actually made the decision to cancel today. I was ready to call them, number typed into my phone. But then I just decided I'm not ready to give up on this just yet. We may have to wait to actually take action, but if we go to this appointment on Thursday we can at least know how and where to start when the time is right. Plus we have a benefactor who's helping us get this started. That help made it possible for me to put aside my rational brain for a moment and just go with the dream of maybe someday having a baby. Sometimes I hate being so stable and rational. It kind of hinders dreaming and hoping.
I will say that this ordeal (though really just beginning) has made opened up some new levels of communication for me and Scott. That's a good thing, you really can't go wrong if your communicating more openly with your spouse. He may think I'm crazy sometimes, but he's along for the ride.
I don't know what's in store for us on Thursday. I'm going to try and trust in my belief that I was meant to be a mommy. I'm going to hope that The Big Guy sees that too. Wish us luck!
I read blogs out there in cyber space. Blogs that belong to other women like me. Many of them end with little bundles of joy, many don't. Those women are sad and alone, and have run out of funds and sometimes the emotional fortitude to continue. I'm very afraid that I will be one of those people. I don't want to be one of those people and I don't want to assume that I will be, but my head thinks it's easier to take the let down if I never let myself believe in what could be. I don't think it's any secret that I'm emotional, hell I can't even watch an episode of ER without needing Kleenex. I worry that being so emotional is going to take it's toll on me. I worry that they might tell me that we can't be helped. I worry that we'll invest everything into this process and still come up empty handed. Maybe I should stop reading those blogs. Often times I just end up in tears after reading one. But while they may have some sad endings, they also provide proof for me that I'm not crazy and that the feelings and reactions I have are actually normal. You see just a few weeks ago I'd become convinced that I was losing my mind and that I was a horrible person. Reading these other blogs reminded me that I'm not either of those things, I'm just unlucky for now and sometimes that doesn't bring out the best in a person.
I debated about canceling this appointment. With the market in it's current downward spiral Scott's work has very nearly run out so we're in super saver mode. Spending money on an appointment that could probably wait seems like a bad idea. I had actually made the decision to cancel today. I was ready to call them, number typed into my phone. But then I just decided I'm not ready to give up on this just yet. We may have to wait to actually take action, but if we go to this appointment on Thursday we can at least know how and where to start when the time is right. Plus we have a benefactor who's helping us get this started. That help made it possible for me to put aside my rational brain for a moment and just go with the dream of maybe someday having a baby. Sometimes I hate being so stable and rational. It kind of hinders dreaming and hoping.
I will say that this ordeal (though really just beginning) has made opened up some new levels of communication for me and Scott. That's a good thing, you really can't go wrong if your communicating more openly with your spouse. He may think I'm crazy sometimes, but he's along for the ride.
I don't know what's in store for us on Thursday. I'm going to try and trust in my belief that I was meant to be a mommy. I'm going to hope that The Big Guy sees that too. Wish us luck!
Feeling Good
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
It's easy
All you need is love, all you need is love ~ The Beatles
Sometimes someone does something that is so amazing that is turns your mood, your view or your outlook around. Sometimes in the span of a day, it could be smile from a stranger, or someone letting you go ahead in a long line. It could be a car on the freeway letting you merge; it could be a loved one giving you a hug. Sometimes these things seem small an insignificant, especially to the giver of the gift, but in reality they are huge because it is a spark to a fire that will build momentum.
Why the mushy sentimentality?
I was blessed with one of those moments tonight. An old friend, who I never get to see, who has been separated via time and miles, sent me a card, with a letter, and a gift. As I told her in an email that I sent tonight, even the envelope with her hand writing made me feel good. Even more though, was her note in the inside. It said that she believed in me. Sometimes it’s nice to see that in print. To know someone took time out of their day to buy a card, write in it, put a stamp on it, and send it to you, makes a person feel special.
I don’t know if there is one single word that describes how I feel today, perhaps hopeful? Or maybe optimistic? But really it’s more than that. I feel so many things.
In the last week or so I’ve had multiple people reach out to me. They give me feedback, encouragement, advice and just plain acceptance. I don’t know if everyone is as lucky I am, but I hope they are.
It’s very easy for me to get into self pity mode, and focus solely on me. But the mail that I received tonight was good a reminder that there are other people out there who may not have the same issues I do, but need encouragement and support none the less. I may not even be privy to what is going on in their lives, but a card or a quick hello can never hurt.
So I’m going to start a Just Because Initiative. I’m going to make sure I’m better at doing little things, just because I can and just because sometimes it means a world of difference.
Thank you for the warm fuzzies and sweet sentiments old friend. You really have no idea what you have done for me today. I miss you and wish you lived closer.
As an aside, I will need mailing address for anyone who reads this blog. Christmas cards are coming up and you may get something Just Because!
It's easy
All you need is love, all you need is love ~ The Beatles
Sometimes someone does something that is so amazing that is turns your mood, your view or your outlook around. Sometimes in the span of a day, it could be smile from a stranger, or someone letting you go ahead in a long line. It could be a car on the freeway letting you merge; it could be a loved one giving you a hug. Sometimes these things seem small an insignificant, especially to the giver of the gift, but in reality they are huge because it is a spark to a fire that will build momentum.
Why the mushy sentimentality?
I was blessed with one of those moments tonight. An old friend, who I never get to see, who has been separated via time and miles, sent me a card, with a letter, and a gift. As I told her in an email that I sent tonight, even the envelope with her hand writing made me feel good. Even more though, was her note in the inside. It said that she believed in me. Sometimes it’s nice to see that in print. To know someone took time out of their day to buy a card, write in it, put a stamp on it, and send it to you, makes a person feel special.
I don’t know if there is one single word that describes how I feel today, perhaps hopeful? Or maybe optimistic? But really it’s more than that. I feel so many things.
In the last week or so I’ve had multiple people reach out to me. They give me feedback, encouragement, advice and just plain acceptance. I don’t know if everyone is as lucky I am, but I hope they are.
It’s very easy for me to get into self pity mode, and focus solely on me. But the mail that I received tonight was good a reminder that there are other people out there who may not have the same issues I do, but need encouragement and support none the less. I may not even be privy to what is going on in their lives, but a card or a quick hello can never hurt.
So I’m going to start a Just Because Initiative. I’m going to make sure I’m better at doing little things, just because I can and just because sometimes it means a world of difference.
Thank you for the warm fuzzies and sweet sentiments old friend. You really have no idea what you have done for me today. I miss you and wish you lived closer.
As an aside, I will need mailing address for anyone who reads this blog. Christmas cards are coming up and you may get something Just Because!
Moving Forward
I have done two things to get the process started...
1. I have called OHSU to get the ball rolling. Scott and I will go in for an initial consultation in a few weeks and see what the doctors have to say. I am trying to remind myself that it's not smart to get excited about this. There is every possibility they could say they can't help us. I need to be prepared for that. I'm not trying to be a Negative Nellie, I'm just trying to be realistic. If it turns out they can help us it will be super awesome!
2. I have registered a domain name for a website where I will tell our story, and ask for donations. I have mixed feelings about asking for monetary donations. On the one hand I know it would be so helpful, and I know that I would donate to someone in a similar situation. On the other hand, it seems like I shouldn't be asking for donations for something like this. There are so many charities in this world that need money, and so many people with so much less than me. I almost feel guilty, but I have to remind myself that if I want to acomplish this I have to be willing to ask for help, even if it comes to donations.
That's it for today....fall is definately here and while I ususally abhor the cold weather I am actually enjoying the season change this year. The colors are brilliant and the sky is still sunny for now. I'm ready for pumpkins and trick or treaters!
1. I have called OHSU to get the ball rolling. Scott and I will go in for an initial consultation in a few weeks and see what the doctors have to say. I am trying to remind myself that it's not smart to get excited about this. There is every possibility they could say they can't help us. I need to be prepared for that. I'm not trying to be a Negative Nellie, I'm just trying to be realistic. If it turns out they can help us it will be super awesome!
2. I have registered a domain name for a website where I will tell our story, and ask for donations. I have mixed feelings about asking for monetary donations. On the one hand I know it would be so helpful, and I know that I would donate to someone in a similar situation. On the other hand, it seems like I shouldn't be asking for donations for something like this. There are so many charities in this world that need money, and so many people with so much less than me. I almost feel guilty, but I have to remind myself that if I want to acomplish this I have to be willing to ask for help, even if it comes to donations.
That's it for today....fall is definately here and while I ususally abhor the cold weather I am actually enjoying the season change this year. The colors are brilliant and the sky is still sunny for now. I'm ready for pumpkins and trick or treaters!
Additional notes and ideas on baby stuff
I'm using this blog as a sounding board. It helps me feel like I've talked to lots of people, thus getting it off my chest, when in reality I wasn't annoying you in person. I know hearing me talk about not having babies gets old for some people.
When I write here it's kind of like those free writing exercises we did in creative writing classes. So sometimes it may not all be in order or make complete sense.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I had an idea on the way home (and I think Lyn and I talked about this a long time ago). Would it be crazy to get a p.o. box and post something on craigslist (in multiple cities) and ask people to send in $1? If I set up a legit website so they knew they were sending it to a real person do you think it would work? If I set up a paypal account to make it even easier would it work? I don't know if it's a viable option, but it would only take 5,000 or 6,000 people contributing to make the difference. Hell even 500 people would make a difference.
Maybe it's a crazy idea? Thoughts? Suggestions? Other ideas?
By the way, on the way home, listening to the radio I heard that Daria, my favorite afternoon DJ is now expecting after trying for a little while. I was happy for her, but still felt sad. the good news is she was talking to a psychic who had actually told her this was going to happen. Maybe I need to visit that psychic and see what she has to say. Again, I know I'm getting desperate, but that's the reality of it folks!
When I write here it's kind of like those free writing exercises we did in creative writing classes. So sometimes it may not all be in order or make complete sense.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I had an idea on the way home (and I think Lyn and I talked about this a long time ago). Would it be crazy to get a p.o. box and post something on craigslist (in multiple cities) and ask people to send in $1? If I set up a legit website so they knew they were sending it to a real person do you think it would work? If I set up a paypal account to make it even easier would it work? I don't know if it's a viable option, but it would only take 5,000 or 6,000 people contributing to make the difference. Hell even 500 people would make a difference.
Maybe it's a crazy idea? Thoughts? Suggestions? Other ideas?
By the way, on the way home, listening to the radio I heard that Daria, my favorite afternoon DJ is now expecting after trying for a little while. I was happy for her, but still felt sad. the good news is she was talking to a psychic who had actually told her this was going to happen. Maybe I need to visit that psychic and see what she has to say. Again, I know I'm getting desperate, but that's the reality of it folks!
Beg, borrow, or steal...
Things I am willing to do to get pregnant. Sounds pretty desperate, and I suppose that's because at this point I am! After over six years of trying and medial test results that pretty much guarantee we'll need to pursue IVF (in vitro), I've decided I can't keep putting it off and hoping for a miracle. Sometimes you have to get off your ass to make things happen, in fact most times you do.
A few things have prompted this most recent decision, mostly hearing that EVERYONE and their sister, or cousin, or co-worker is pregnant. I hate being jealous and I hate what an absolute nasty bitch I turn into when I am jealous. Normally I don't have completely irrational, nasty, mean thoughts about people. Lately I find that my mind is shocking even myself with the nastiness and I don't want to be that person. So to change that, I'm changing my own game plan. Taling charge if you will.
Through a generous grant from my mother we're almost half way to enough money for IVF. I have saved another $1000 myself and should have a few more by summer. Total cost is between $10, 000 and $20, 000.
My game plan for the rest of the money is this...
1. Start saving all loose change. All of it, even pennies! It does add up. I know because I bought luggage the last time I counted all my change.
2. Returning bottles and cans instead of giving them to the homeless who come though our neighborhood. I hate the sticky mess, but I figure sticky messes are part of being a mom and I can use it as practice.
3. Taking on extra jobs if and when they come up. I don't know how this will work out yet but I'm open to ideas. I plan an awesome party if you need help organizing a baby shower, bridal shower or afternoon tea. I even make invitations and all sorts of matching coordinates.
4. Asking for help. I hate to even bring it up. Money is tight for everyone. But maybe if you felt so inclined you could save pennies for me too? I'll roll them myself. Every bit helps.
5. Thinking positivley and adjusting my additude. I think karma is real and I think if I am a better person and spend more time being helpful to others, some higher power just might take mercy on me and give me a gift.
6. Perhaps planning a fundraiser of sorts, like a car wash? or something?. Again I feel bad asking. There are so many charities out there that deserve support and help. I hate to take away from that, but I hope that some might see that I was always meant to have a baby or two. I was meant to play with playdough and make collages. I was meant to sing lullabys to a swaddled bundle and I was meant to volunteer in classrooms. I was built to be a mom, somehow my anatomy missed that memo!
The good news is that I think it can work. The bad news is that it's a long journey and it doesn't always end up the way you hope it does. But I can't sit around and always wonder what if.
To put the plan in motion I've already contacted one clinic here in Portland to talk to them about options, finance and time frames.
Wish me luck and if you do find youself in a position to help please let me know.
Again, I'm sorry to ask, but like the title says, I'm willing to do just about anything at this point! And please feel free to pass this on to people if you think they might even be able to just offer some empathy. I know lots of people struggle with this.
Thanks...
A few things have prompted this most recent decision, mostly hearing that EVERYONE and their sister, or cousin, or co-worker is pregnant. I hate being jealous and I hate what an absolute nasty bitch I turn into when I am jealous. Normally I don't have completely irrational, nasty, mean thoughts about people. Lately I find that my mind is shocking even myself with the nastiness and I don't want to be that person. So to change that, I'm changing my own game plan. Taling charge if you will.
Through a generous grant from my mother we're almost half way to enough money for IVF. I have saved another $1000 myself and should have a few more by summer. Total cost is between $10, 000 and $20, 000.
My game plan for the rest of the money is this...
1. Start saving all loose change. All of it, even pennies! It does add up. I know because I bought luggage the last time I counted all my change.
2. Returning bottles and cans instead of giving them to the homeless who come though our neighborhood. I hate the sticky mess, but I figure sticky messes are part of being a mom and I can use it as practice.
3. Taking on extra jobs if and when they come up. I don't know how this will work out yet but I'm open to ideas. I plan an awesome party if you need help organizing a baby shower, bridal shower or afternoon tea. I even make invitations and all sorts of matching coordinates.
4. Asking for help. I hate to even bring it up. Money is tight for everyone. But maybe if you felt so inclined you could save pennies for me too? I'll roll them myself. Every bit helps.
5. Thinking positivley and adjusting my additude. I think karma is real and I think if I am a better person and spend more time being helpful to others, some higher power just might take mercy on me and give me a gift.
6. Perhaps planning a fundraiser of sorts, like a car wash? or something?. Again I feel bad asking. There are so many charities out there that deserve support and help. I hate to take away from that, but I hope that some might see that I was always meant to have a baby or two. I was meant to play with playdough and make collages. I was meant to sing lullabys to a swaddled bundle and I was meant to volunteer in classrooms. I was built to be a mom, somehow my anatomy missed that memo!
The good news is that I think it can work. The bad news is that it's a long journey and it doesn't always end up the way you hope it does. But I can't sit around and always wonder what if.
To put the plan in motion I've already contacted one clinic here in Portland to talk to them about options, finance and time frames.
Wish me luck and if you do find youself in a position to help please let me know.
Again, I'm sorry to ask, but like the title says, I'm willing to do just about anything at this point! And please feel free to pass this on to people if you think they might even be able to just offer some empathy. I know lots of people struggle with this.
Thanks...
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