Honest Scrap (tagged)

Stacey was kind enough to tag me with the Honest Scrap Award this week. In killing some time trying to come up with ten interesting things about me I did a little research on the award. I couldn't find it's origin, but it looks like it's a popular award and blog item. I think it's great because you get to learn things you may not have known and it helps bring even more bloggers together.

So thank you Stacey!

The Rules:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

1. I knew that my husband was "the one" when I was able to sing in front of him. I'm not a horrible singer, but I do have a first soprano voice so I can't really sing your average radio song very well and I'm pretty shy unless embraced by the loving robes of a huge concert choir. Not too far into dating I was somehow completely comfortable enough to sing along in the car with Scott and it was an instant sign that I had found someone extremely special. I'd never felt free enough to be completely me before.

2. My father is a long time alcoholic and while that hasn't directly affected my life for many years I still fear that somehow, genetically it's something that could impact my life, either for myself or my children. I am very careful about how much I drink because of this, even though I have never once shown any tendency towards a problem. I also fear that other family members will become alcoholics and loose out on life the way my father did.

3. I really love gardening but only the planting and watching it grow part. My yard gets so over grown, so fast that I become completely overwhelmed by it and give up by about late August. I try my very best to keep it pretty because I know Abby (the little lady who owned our house previously) is watching from heaven and wincing when ever I clip a rose bush too close, or kill a dahlia.

4. I sometimes talk to Abby and Lance, the couple who owned our home, raised their children here, and eventually left this earth. When we first viewed this house I knew it was ours and also felt a connection to the little couple who left so many personal touches around the well loved structure. I have on occasion smelled roses in the dead of winter when nothing is even close to blooming and it instantly make me think Abby is with me. I usually ask their permission before doing something drastic to change the house or yard.

5. I do believe in ghosts (as noted above) and have had more than one experience, though they have grown fewer and far between the older I get.

6. My religious and political beliefs are very conflicted. It's something I struggle with on a frequent basis. I pray for some resolution or a better understanding of it all but have yet to find the answer I am seeking. Essentially I can't find a good balance between Bleeding Heart Liberal and Christ Follower. I know there must be some answer because God wouldn't have made me this way without a plan.

7. I know that I was meant to be a mother. I have absolutely no doubt. I don't know why I was given such a challenge to reach that part of my life, but I know that it will happen. I have had some people suggest that if people have such a hard time getting pregnant they are perhaps missing a sign from a higher power or nature that they are indeed not meant to be parents. I don't believe that one bit. My heart and body know that a child is my future. Whether that is through fertility treatments, adoption, or the good 'ol natural way, I will have my day. the struggle we face with getting pregnant is teaching me new things every day and even though it's hard to say it, I am thankful for that.

8. I used to pretend that Dr. McCoy (yes Bones from Star Trek) was my great great grandfather. But then, around the age of eight I realized that wasn't quite possible because he was in the future, so I changed my story and he became my great great grandson. I'm still a Trekkie and I'm really looking forward to the new movie where we'll see my great great grandson when he's at Starfleet Academy.

9. I had an over active imagination as a child! See above! I think the amount of reading I did, coupled with being an only child enabled me to create whole worlds and scenarios for myself. I still have very vivid dreams and like to make up stroies.

10. I don't ever remember really wishing for siblings. I'm sure I probably asked for them once or twice when I was little, but it wasn't an all consuming wish. Due to my lack of siblings I was sorely unprepaired for what it would be like to have them when I married into a family with three other kids. How nice of my new siblings to treat me like family from the get go, complete with tripping me, giving me nougie's and finding any reason possible to make fun of me. But I think I got the best deal on these siblings. I didn't have to listen to them cry and whine as little ones or suffer them tattleing on me, but I get to enjoy their company as adults and they are some pretty awesome people.

And now, for the people I'm tagging...

1. Tina
2. Andrea
3. Jo
4. Melissa

Yep, only four, as most everyone has already been tagged or isn't really blogging anymore. Michaela I'd tag you if you'll start a new blog!!

Oh happy day!!

Yes two blogs in one day! Aren't you lucky? No wait, I'm lucky! Yep I'm lucky and Scott is lucky too! Scott has a new job! Hip hip hooray!

I'll be honest, it's been very scary and very depressing lately. I try not to think about it too much because it's something I don't have any control over, but now that it's behind us I feel like I can let go of that breath I've been holding for six months!

He's been hired by a local, well known, custom deck and fence company. He'll be working as a crew leader which is ideal. He'll still get to work with his hand and build things (something he loves) but also be able to run jobs and keep tabs on the process (something he's really good at). I don't think it's luck that he got the job, nope it's his experience and knowledge, but it is luck that his resume was picked up and weeded out of what was probably 400 other qualified applicants. Oregon has one of the highest unemployment rates right now so in that sense we are lucky!

Thank you to everyone who thought good thoughts, sent prayers and crossed your fingers! It worked.

Now I can really think about having a baby without worrying about how we'll pay for it.

A round of virtual drinks for everyone!

A few more things I've learned...

Things I've learned this week (and it's only Wednesday):

1. Succulents don't really like Prope.l water. I've never been good at indoor plants, I can even kill Ivy, but this is a new take on killing them. I was trying to do right by the lovely little succulent a co-worker gave me in an adorable planter, but my brown, no scratch that, black like death thumb has once again doomed the living. This little plant looks like withered brown glump (gob + lump). It must be the sugar in the water? Maybe there were electrolytes that just don't mix with plant species? Which reminds me of the stupidest movie ever made...I hate to even admit to seeing it, but Luke Wilson was in it so I was suckered in by eye candy. Anyway, don't watch Idiocricy. It's dumb. Even with eye candy. But they kill all their crops by feeding them a gator.ade like substance. If I was in the 7th grade this debacle could be considered a science project, as it stands I just killed a pretty little plant that only wanted to sit and look nice on my desk. In my defense I used the Prope.l because I couldn't carry the plant to a location where normal water was. Oops! I guess while I was out last week the same co-worker who gave me the plant picked up my water bottle thinking it was normal water and gave a little to the plant too. Are we co-conspirators in plant murder?

2. Cadburr.y Mini Eggs were put on this planet to make my ass big. I am certain that they are indeed full of crack or some equally addictive drug. There is no other explanation for why I have eaten so many in such a short time span. It's sick. I think I need help. Dorritos' also appear to have this addictive drug additive. I am certain of this because it's not just me who's eating them. Scott has assisted me in this sick endeavor.

3. Jimmy Fallon tickets in NYC are free! I called today to get us on the list to see him while we're there. Unfortunately they are only taking reservations thru March, but next week they should be into April. I heart Jimmy, and miss him since his days on SNL. I was heart broken when he got married last year. I had always planned to move to some remote part of the country and keep all my many husbands in a harem of sorts...Jimmy, George Clooney, Josh Duhamel and Scott of course.

And an update on my ankle since you asked Melissa :) It's starting to feel better and the swelling has certainly gone down. I still can't put my weight on it but I can put my foot on the floor and that's a huge improvement. I figure I have another week or so before I can actually walk on it in the boot. Thanks to everyone who's been asking about it and helping me out. It means a lot.


Tomorrow marks the official One Month Until My 31st Birthday date. At this moment I'm feeling a little like Phoebe in that episode where she's turning 30 and she hasn't accomplished all the things she had planned to by 30, and then she finds out she's actually 31 so trying to reach those few goals left were pointless...It's actually one of my favorite episodes, they all turn 30, or 31 as the case may be. And yes, I can make just about anything in life a reference to Friends.

So yeah, feeling a little like I have a lot left on my list at the age of almost 31! So I'm going to make up a new list with some attainable goals for the year and mark them off one by one. Maybe I can't do everything, but I can certainly set some goals and meet them. I also reserve the right to add to the list at any time.

The List - To Be Completed by March 24th 2010

1. Practice my cake decorating skills more, maybe even learn to use gumpaste
2. Relearn to crochet
3. At least start the outline and character list for one of the stories rolling around in my head
4. Clean out and create a craft/writing area in the guest room closet
5. Ride my bike downtown to Powell's Bookstore
6. Write letter and card to friends near and far, because mail that isn't bills is fun
7. Give IVF a real attempt, including eating better, losing weight prior to, and taking all those vitamins and stuff I'm supposed to.
8. Get Scott to quit smoking (he's cut back significantly, but I'm going to work even harder, even if he hates me for it)
9. Be kinder to my spouse, especially if he's cutting back on smoking
10. Clean the attic

My New Boyfriend

TGIF! I know, I know, I only worked two and a half days this week but I'm still exhausted and I am so looking forward to spending Saturday on the couch with my dog and some junk food. Let's just say the whole stay fit thing kind of flew out the window when I fell and hurt myself. I tend to get a little sad and feel sorry for myself these days and ice cream and Doritos really help lift my mood. I know, I know, it's not good. Now I'm sedentry and full of sugar, carbs and fat! I'm a blob in the making. I'm really glad Charity (BF) doesn't read this because I think she'd smack me and hand me some gym equipment that I could use at home. Not that that would be a bad thing....sometimes you just need someone to kick you in the ass to get moving ya know? But until that happens, or I can get back to the gym I think I might eat some Buffalo Ranch Doritos or maybe a Charleston Chew....maybe I'm PMSing? I haven't done that in a while, I forget what it's like to crave chocolate.

Speaking of junk food...Have you seen the new Weight Watchers commercials with the Hungry Monster? He's just about the cutest monster I've ever seen. I seriously want to cuddle him on the couch with a bag of Doritos! I've always had a love of Muppets and this guy falls right into that. The Cake Wrecks Blog had a post a few days ago with a sadly made replica of him...well I don't think it was really supposed to look like him, but it did. But I think I'd eat doughnuts and cupcakes with that little dude any day! I'm thinking that's not what WW had intended with the commercial...oops! I kinda love him. If you haven't seen the commercials I highly recommend you check him out on You Tube. You'll love him too. Who doesn't want a fuzzy little guy providing cake, cookies, pancakes and other delicious goodness? He seems like he might be the best boyfriend ever.

In the world of infertility, I had one of those moments today where I'm just bold face reminded that I an unable to breed. I hate it when that happens. Like I need other things to remind me? So I took this survey for She Speaks, a consumer group that lets me test things out now and again. Today's survey was really about daily life and it just assumed I was a mother. It had questions about the values I want to teach my children, how my own actions impact them and all sorts of others things. I didn't know how to answer them. Should I have answer them as if I have kids? Should I just give it a 5 out of 10 so I'm in the middle? Should I give it a 1 because it totally pissed me off that the damn survey assumed I have babies? There was no "not applicable" option. Anyway, it was just another one of those stupid things to annoy barren women. And yes I realize I'm a little sensitive. But it's still stupid for a consumer survey to assume I have children. There have to be plenty of people in that demographic who don't. I know I'm not the only 30ish working girl with no babies! At least the reward wasn't baby centered. Instead I'll be getting a free subscription to Ladies Home Journal and I am a sucker for FREE and a sucker for magazines, so yay me!

In even more infertility news we've decided to proceed with IVF, but not until May or June. This gives my foot time to heal (important I be 100% healthy), gives both Scott and I some room to breath before we take on what will undoubtebly be the largest undertaking out marraige has ever seen, and if it works we'd be blessed with a spring baby, and I just love that idea. In the mean time we will get every last thing on our check off list done and then enjoy a week long trip to NYC before heading back into the RE Den. I feel good about this plan. I actually feel really optimistic about our chances at the moment and I love that my Dr's office uses terms like "When you get pregnant" and "When you have a baby". They stay positive and that helps me. The only small problem is that I suck at waiting so I'm going to have to really focus on staying busy and being patient. In the Infertility Handbook that my mom gave me for Christmas the author who has survived many treatments suggests you make a comfort box for yourself in prep for IVF. Things like candles, candy, little silly things to make you laugh, anything that you can tangibly pick up and smile at. Plus who doesn't love getting a little present. So I think I'll work on that, find some inexpensive things to put in the box, wrap them up and forget about them until that first night I have to stick myself with a needle. Fun times!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Spring is just around the corner! I swear it, even if you're still covered in snow...

Humility thy name is Erin

Many, many years ago when I was a wee young lass in college I went to church service with my roommates and a few other friends. Michaela if you're reading this you might remember this story...Anyway, at that particular service we learned about humility. We prayed for God to humble us to that we might be less self centered and more in touch with his word and the things in life that really mattered. I prayed and prayed for humility. I asked God to humble me. I felt good leaving that church, thinking I'd really come away with something positive. After the service we jumped in Dani's Jeep and drove down to the bagel place for lunch. As we all hopped out my foot caught on the door or maybe the seat belt. With one foot out of the Jeep and one foot in I fell flat on my face, pavement to cheek. Thankfully I wasn't injured at all, but I was humbled. Laid out in front of four other friends. I figured that day God had really been listening to me. Michaela, bless her heart couldn't not laugh at me.

So why is this important at the moment? Well you see since that day I haven't prayed for humility yet somehow God in his infinite wisdom thinks it is fun to inflict me with a huge zit on the center of the bridge of my nose! This in addition to my broken ankle! It's not bad enough I have to tell people that I broke my ankle falling backwards down two stairs, now I have to do it with a nose to rival Rudolf! Ugh.

The good news is my ankle will not require surgery. I have a huge boot to keep it in place and I should be able to put pressure on it in a week or two. It's going to be 8-10 weeks before it's healed, double that before I'm fully recovered. But at least it doesn't need surgery.

I do need to come up with a better story for how I broke my ankle. Something no quite so lame. Ideas?

I miss normal

It's Sunday night and normally I'd be dreading the early Monday morning to come, not ready for my weekend to be over, not ready for another week of work. Strangely this weekend I am wishing it was just a normal Sunday so I could just wake up, take a shower and head into work. God how I wish I could take a shower! I miss normal daily life, including making coffee at work and making dinner!

I doubt that I will make it to work tomorrow despite my best intentions. I'm completely worn out even though I've been purposely taking it easy. My arms and back hurt so bad from using crutches that I wake up in the middle of the night with my muscles cramping up. This even though I am taking ibuprofen and percocet.

I did at least make it in for a few hours today. We were in Beaverton already to drop of a little gift we had for Greg and Shana. We'd been trying to get together for a few weeks to do this but something always came up, first Greg was in the hospital for a new round of chemo, then Shana got the flu, then I fell. I couldn't put it off any further because the gift was designed to help them escape a little from daily life with cancer and they are now embroiled even further. So I had Scott pack it up in a box for me. Let me just say that it was incredibly difficult for me to present a gift that was not wrapped up all pretty and perfect. I'm hoping the others who helped out with the gift won't be too disappointed in me. They all put so much thought and effort into it and it went over so well, they were both really excited about it.

Anyway, after a quick visit with Greg and Shana we went into the office and I climbed the super steep stairs and did as much work as I could. It actually got a lot done because it was so quiet. There might be something to working on a Sunday. While it wasn't enough for the whole week it did make me feel like I got a little jump start. Hopefully I'll be able to do other things from home. Got to keep the foot up so the swelling will stay down and the docotrs can help me.

I'm anxious for the appointment with the orthopedist on Tuesday. After looking at the x-rays more and talking to a few other people I'm really affraid that they're going to tell me that it will require surgery. I've never had a broken bone before let alone something that would require surgery! It makes me extreamly nervous and aggitated...

Phone consult with the RE really just led to needing an in face appointment so we can disucss the finer details of IVF and how to move ahead. I'm chomping at the bit. I knew this is where we were headed and now I just want to get going! I've read so many books and so many great blogs I feel like I'm ready! But I need to be patient. Very hard for me. I'm an instant gratification kind of girl. Our appointment is on Thursday pending any foot complications.

And now I think I'll head to bed early....again...


It is official, my ankle is broken. I finally gave in and had x-rays done today. It wasn't healing fast enough and I wasn't able to wiggle my toes anymore so I got nervous. Two nurses walked past my x-rays before the doctor came in to talk to me about them. One said "Oh it hurts just to look at that," the other said "Wow, that's a bad break." Needless to say I was instantly in tears.

I am supposed to go see an orthopedist tomorrow, or as soon as they can get me in. Apparently I cracked my fibula in half, that's the bone on the outside of your ankle in case you're not an anatomy expert. I had to look it up. In the picture below I drew a red line where the break is. They sent me home with the x-ray so I was just checking it out and it's a clear break. Kinda crazy actually. I've never broken a bone, even as a gymnast, cheerleader, general klutz... The doctor I saw tonight said that this sort of break could require surgary, could require a pin. That scares the beejeezus out of me.

Thankfully I now have pain meds so I can at least get a decent nights sleep.

I don't know how long I'll be off work, hoping not much. I talked to my boss tonight and I think we have a game plan to temporarily move my office to a ground floor location. That will make life so much easier. I'm incredibly thankful that they are being so supportive. I know plenty of employers who would not be.

So that's the scoop today! RE consult tomorrow, and possible Ortho consult too! Fun stuff!

Oh and since I'll be stuck for a while I'm going to need ooodles and ooodles of book recomendations! So please post them for me!
My friend Cheryl helped me escape the confines of my couch today by taking me to a movie. It was so good to get out and be a little social. We saw He's Just Not That Into You and I loved it. It was cute, and a little sappy, and had plenty of those socially awkward moments where you cringe for the character, much like watching an episode of The Office. I am so glad I'm not dating anymore, I would totally be that slightly psycho stalker-ish girl, with the best intentions of course. The cast was great. Jennifer Aniston, Ben Afleck, Justin Long, Ginnifer Goodwin and more. I love Ginnifer Goodwin and she was as adorable as ever in this. I totally want her hair! I couldn't find a really good picture of it, but this kind of shows it, short with a little bit of wave. I think I can pull it off because I have a pretty round face like she does. But I'll need to lose a little weight first so that my face is the only round part of me.

Ginnifer is on the left. It's a bit frizzier here than I like, but you get the general idea.
Here's another view, love the soft wave! It's very 1920's flapper, but a little longer. Got to
ask my hair dresser if this is even possible for me.

We have a phone consult with our RE on Thursday. I'll have to take my lunch break a little late and call them from the car. I'm a little nervous, a little excited. I'm ready to get moving on the next step. I am still trying to be cautiously optimistic. There is a long road ahead and this is just the beginning. But I always feel better when there is a plan, be it something as simple as grocery shopping or something at trying as infertility treatments. If I can look at steps or have assigned tasks I feel like I'm making progress, no matter how slowly. I need order and thrive when I am involved in a process.

I have to admit that I received word of another pregnant friend today and it wasn't as hard to swallow as the last few. I'm not sure if that's because this friend is someone we only see occasionally or if it's because news of pregnancy seems to be increasing ten fold or if it's because I've finally taken real steps to improve out own situation. I'd like to think it's the latter and that it will be easier to be supportive of my PG friends. I'm not going to kid myself though, I know there are still going to be days, maybe weeks where I just hate PG people in general. Through no fault of their own, it's just a knee jerk reaction.

I think making these appointments and redoing all these tests gives me a little sense of control though. Like I know that I am at least doing all that I can to make sure it happens for us. And in that I feel a sense of relief. At least I'm not sitting around wondering "what if?"

I hope everyone had a great weekend! I'm off to prop up my foot and snuggle with my little velcroe pup. She's been attached to me since I hurt my ankle. Love it when she's a little love bug!

Things I've Learned This Week

1. You should always shave your legs. Even when it's cold out and you never wear anything but pants, you should keep the hairy beasts shaved. You never know when you're going to fall down a set a stairs in front of co-workers who want to help you elevate and ice your sprained ankle. I was mortified that I had hairy legs when I fell on Tuesday. Even withering in pain I had the where-with-all to know that I needed to pull my pant leg down least anyone see my Sasquatch calves and shins. It was horrifying and I'm still thinking about it days later! I hate shaving my legs, but I hate co-workers knowing I don't shave in winter worse.

2. I don't know how to ask for help very well. I have found in the last week that I grow incredibly frustrated at people who can't read my mind and know my needs. I have caught myself on more than one occasion thinking "that could have gone better if you'd just asked for help". I don't like to be a burden so I will sit around miserable until it becomes unbearable but then I get all worked up and angry. It's not a good situation. It happened yesterday when all I wanted was a bottle of ibuprofen. I had it my head that Scott should just know this. Why I thought this I don't know? He's not psychic, never has been, never will be.

3. People can be very obtuse when it comes to helping others out. What seems obvious to me is apparently not obvious to many. If you see someone on crutches struggling with a bag or trying to hold something it seems that the obvious move would be to help them. Yet, multiple times this week people have failed to notice me struggle, or simply don't care. Yes I learned that I need to be better about asking for help, but in the same breath, people should be more helpful or considerate. I know I try to be.

4. I don't like it when my best friend travels. She's been gone a week now and won't be back for a few more days and I miss her terribly. We see each other so often on a weekly basis that to have her absent for this long is somewhat painful. I guess it might be silly, but dammit she's much more fun to vent to, bitch with, and gossip with then my husband who has this past week perfected his ability to tune me out. I can't wait for her to get home so we can rehash this past week in our typical Gilmore Girls speed. I think I need to speak in that speed to feel good. It's like diet coke, I just need it. If she ever moves away I would be devastated. I think I'd be hard pressed to find another human who can understand me the way she does at the speed she does.

5. Daytime tv is the pits and I have found my couch sitting time limit. I am by nature one of the laziest humans on this planet. I am completely willing to admit this. However this week, being trapped in bed or on the couch for one and a half days drove me to near insanity. Apparently choosing to be a couch potato vs. being forced to be one is very different. When I choose to be one I can sit though endless hours of Celbrity Rehab, The Real.Housewives of Orange County, and House Hunters. If I'm stuck watching those shows I find myself snarking at the potential home owners about their horrible taste in wall colors and yelling mean things at the housewives (okay I do this anytime Vicky is on). Never in my life have I wanted a pile of books more. I miss books. I need a trip to the book store!!

Erin go boom!

Lame, pathetic and laughable sum up my last few days. On Tuesday as I was leaving work, headed to the gym, already in my gym clothes I fell backwards down a small set of stairs just outside the winery tasting room. I'm not exactly sure how it happened and it happened so fast that I can't figure out how certain parts of my body were injured. I think that I must have somehow been caught on the door and it pulled me back as I bounded up the stairs. I now have a huge welt and bruise under my right breast, so sore that I can't cross my arms and rest them on my chest. I also have a bruised knee and hip. But the worst is definitely my left ankle. It's supper puffy, supper black and blue, super sore. At this point I can't put any pressure on it. i'm getting quite a bit of teasing about making any excuse not to go to the gym...

I'm pretty sure it's just a really bad sprain. Scott's sister came over and did her nurse magic on me. I'm so thankful to have a nurse in the family. She poked at me, made me scream once or twice then wrapped me up and gave me crutches.

I thought, perfect! Now I can get around even though I can't walk on my foot. Wrong!

I'd forgotten just how miserable life on crutches is. I can't carry anything. I can't move at a decent pace. My right leg is exhausted from carrying the bulk of my weight. I just tried to do a load of laundry. I'm gonna be out of underwear and socks if I don't get some done. So I sat on the floor to load up the washer, but then I couldn't get back up because my right leg was so tired. It did that quiver, muscle spasm thing and I just fell right back on my ass. I whimpered and groaned and made some pathetic sound. Scott had to come pick me up. Pathetic!

And I tried to take a bath (because there is no way I can stand in a shower on one leg and I was starting to get pretty rank) and I couldn't get out. It was miserable, and cold because I was dripping wet. And I dropped my ankle wrap out of my reach so even though I did make it to the toilet I couldn't wrap my foot back up. I tried to grab it with my other toes but couldn't quite get a hold on it. So once again I had to call Scott to come help me. He snickers at me, and because I'm tired and frustrated I'm not finding it too funny, but I know it is...a little anyway.

I actually stayed home from work today because I was still in so much pain and so exhausted. I have to climb a set of stairs to get to my desk and the thought of doing that this morning just freaked me out. I have to go back down them if I have to use the restroom. Up and down those once or twice and I'm completely spent. Yesterday I only made it half the day before I was completely worn out. I even called Shana and canceled our plans to visit Greg in the hospital because I didn't think I could physically make it. I would have been tempted to steal a wheelchair.

Olivia is completely freaked out by the crutches. I got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and when I came back into the bedroom she ran to the side of the bed and actually crawled up on my stack of books trying to escape them. Poor thing looked terrified. I had to move them out of her line of sight to get her back to her own bed.

I think we're looking at two weeks with crutches and I might pull my hair out. I'm gonna have one super buff right leg, super muscular pecks and no hair. I'm gonna be hot.This is the ankle two days later, the bruise is starting to spread up to my toes. Not pretty at all.

Scream Therapy Anyone?

Hello February! Not sure how it got to be February, yet it is. One step closer to warm summer months, one step closer to my 31st birthday. Typically I love my birthday. It's all about me, I get presents, cake, time with friends and family. This year I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm hoping that changes in the next few weeks.

I've been struggling with my spirits. They seem to fall down a lot lately and it's hard to lift them. I'm positive this is directly related to the economy. I turn on the news and hear about a father and mother who thought it was better to kill themselves and their children rather than suffer through these times with no job and no money. Scott's been looking for work for months now with no response, and he really has been making a solid effort there just aren't any jobs. My little savings account that I worked so hard to build up is going to be eaten up by one mortgage payment. It's just a tough time out there right now. I try not to stress too much. There is only so much I can do. I work at my job, pay the bills I can and hope that somehow everything else will fall into place.

It sounds rotten but I'm kinda waiting for karma to get me back for all the nice things I try to do. But I suppose karma is shaking her finger at me saying "If you expect repayment then Karma ain't cutting the check". Sometimes I just wonder why it never seems to get easy. We'd just like one little break on the luck side of things. We're not too picky at this point. Honestly we'd be happy with a job for Scott.

I'm also grappling with the baby planning. OHSU called today, my bloodwork all came back normal, which is great. Scott has to go give his little sample and then we have a phone consult with Dr. Patton. On the one hand I'm super excited to be moving forward with a practice that is so proactive. On the other hand I feel incredibly stupid for even thinking about trying to get pregnant when Scott can't find work. Babies cost money. They cost lots of money! What if I do get lucky enough to get pregnant? The doctor bills and hospital bills will only increase. I'd have to take some time off work and I work for a very small company so the maternity benefits may be small. My worries get a little more out of control beyond this but I'll spare you the details. Let's just say that if you could make money as a worry wart I wouldn't have to worry so much anymore. On top of all that normal worry, you have the added stress of fertility treatments which are not for the faint of heart...

I've been waiting for this for so long and the timing was right, until the economy tanked. I'm bitter with the econmy for ruining what should be an exciting time for us. I'm angry with the economy for possibly delaying my dream that much longer. I'm pissed off that my body has to be so difficult that it requires all this extra crap just to have a baby!

And then I have to keep perspective. Scott and I are healthy and I need to be thankful for that. It's hard to remind myself of that sometimes.

I'm going to continue going to the gym as often as I can during the week. It's good for me and must be helping my stress levels some...except for that nasty cold sore that popped up over the weekend. Damn things are always induced by stress.

I wonder if Scream Therapy really works? Seems like today might be a good day to try it out. I think the release would feel quite nice...