News at 10 - Local Girls Ass Kicked By Candy Melts!

I got my ass kicked by candy melts today. I hate to even admit it, because I like to just be good at things, but candy making apparently is not within my skill set. I was really excited too. Candy is something my grandmother used to do and I thought it would be cool to pick up one of her hobbies. I had a great tutorial to follow. I was going to make adorable treats for the office for St. Patrick's Day. I had taken great photos of all my prep work to share with you. And then....well then the cake bites I'd hand rolled and plopped in green melted candy came out looking like gigantic boogers because the candy didn't coat smoothly and the cake started to crumble. It wasn't pretty. I'm not proud of myself at all. I think I know what I did wrong but I felt so defeated by the damn candy melts that I gave up and decided not to retry today. Honestly it was really hard to move around the kitchen and I wore myself out. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow...

So the candy kicked my ass and had me this close to tears. And then I was watching an episode of The Biggest Loser that we had on the DVR and the black team got to have pedicures and I got teary because this year I can't have my traditional birthday pedicure. And I know it's stupid because I can have one when my foot is better, but dammit I'm tired of waiting to do things until this foot gets better and I look forward to my birthday pedicure. I looked at Scott and mid sentence lost it when I said in a completely whiney voice "I can't even have my pedicure next week." And then I cried more because the blue team lost and I'm so sick of the smug black team winning.

So to feel better I grabbed my handy lap top and logged on to read blogs and catch up on facebook and came back to find a pregnancy announcement from an old friend and two facebook status updates pertaining to pregnancy from two different people. I slammed my laptop shut and finnaly just let the tears fall full force. I feel like a shit because the truth is I'm happy that my freinds are having babies. I really, really am. And I can't seem to explain to people, even Scott, why I get so upset when I find out about another persons pregnancy. It really isn't that I'm mad at them. I'm jealous, and angry with my own situation and that turns into Ugly Envious Erin. It's just so easy for some people and it's hard to constantly be confronted with the fact that it's not easy for me. Even Charlie Sheen had more babies this weekend! And he named one of those poor babies Bob. The news report said Bob, not Robbie or Bobbie, not even Robert or Rob, no they named him Bob. I know lots of nice Bobs, my grandfather is a Bob, but it's not a little baby name!

There are eight people in my life who are currently expecting. Some close to home, some not. Some family, some not. Either way, it's eight people who I have to hear about, talk to and deal with when it actually hurts to do so. I got an invitation to a shower this weekend too. I have a month to decide whether I'll attend, but I think I can say at this point that I won't be going. Too painful. Long time, childhood friend of Scott's who really is sweet, but she's got other friends who can make her day special. Maybe I'll send a gift with my MIL.

I was doing so good at not being Ugly Envious Erin. I've been thinking positively and taking steps to move us toward our own bundle of joy. I've been pushing though things. And then those damn candy melts kicked my ass and defeated me and the flood gates fell and BOOM! She's back. I can feel the funk setting in and I can't even get to the gym to work it out. I can't even go to the store by myself to get more freaking candy melts to try the stupid Cake Bite Recipe again! I can't do any of the things that make me feel better because my stupid ankle is lame.

Okay, I feel like I've whined enough tonight. Need to gain some perspective. Need to remind myself that we're fortunate for so many other things. Need to foucs.


The Wife said...

Sometimes it's good to just let yourself feel all that emotion that is going through your head. Sometimes we need to be a little self-centered for our own preservation and it's okay to feel like that as long as it's not long term and we know how we're acting. At least that's what my priest told me. :)

Erin said...

I think I love your priest! Thanks for posting, it made me feel better :)

Stacey said...

Hey Erin,
I just wanted to say that I can identify with those feelings that come with all those pregnancy announcements. You're not crazy and you're not a bad person! I know that you are happy for those friends.

I've learned that I'm not mad at anyone for getting pregnant and having babies. I'm mad at infertility and miscarriage! I don't hate my fertile friends. I hate this situation I'm in. It's a shame that often their good news reminds me of my hurt, but I don't think of that as jealousy. How could I not be reminded of my own longing to have children?

Just some thoughts. I hope your poor foot gets better soon!