As luck would have it...

Warning: This post is the length of a short novel and should be separated into chapters….it also changes tone and pace throughout so it’s kind of a mess, but it’s me.

I’m a pretty lucky gal. Sometimes I fall into my own pity party, but for the most part I’m pretty lucky as far as the world goes. I had two really wonderful things happen to me this week that are evidence of this luck. Two people, one co-worker, and one high school buddy both took the time to do something for me that was incredibly thoughtful and meaningful. Each presented me with a gift meant to help in the infertility process. How lucky and I to be surrounded by people like this? Super lucky.

My co-worker made me a CD filled with music for changing times and moods, geared specifically for me. This is incredibly touching for me because music is such a huge part of me. I feel music. Having this CD gives me a place to go to feel something when I need it, or even change my mood when I need it. She must have spent a lot of time on it because each song has a purpose. How special to have someone spend that kind of effort on a gift. The first track is “Anticipation” by Carly Simon! So fitting as it’s a real feeling I can relate to. Some of the songs are serious (Don’t Dream It’s Over – Crowded House); some provide humor (Give It To Me Baby – Rick James). It’s really a very special gift.

My high school buddy Tina put together what I call a “Happy Box” for me. She had read on my blog about how I was going to work on a box filled with things to help distract myself or reward myself when things were tough and she decided I might need more than one box. So incredibly kind! It was filled with all sorts of things, silly things to make me laugh, a music box to remind me about “What a Wonderful World” we live in, marshmallows which everyone knows I adore, and even more incredible items. I was so touched by her thoughtfulness and her time spent. We even got to have a great visit when she dropped it off.

Both gifts were incredibly personal and well thought out and it was a wonderful reminder that even people who don’t deal with infertility can relate to, care for, and help me. It’s also proof that fertiles can be sensitive to infertiles. I really can’t explain how much their gifts touched me. It’s a warm fuzzy feeling times 100! They also made me feel connected to the outside world.

I think it’s really easy to get wrapped up in infertility. Just reading about it and learning about it can be consuming. You can feel isolated because it seems like other people can’t possibly know what you’re going through. It’s easy to fall into the black whole of infertility and lose touch with your old self and in turn your old life. It’s a fine line to between becoming completely enveloped by infertility and learning to deal with this monster that threatens to devour you. Because it can devour you. Your thoughts are baby, baby, baby followed by basal body temp, follicle count, embryo size and so on and so on. Your fertile friends don’t even know what you’re talking about and they feel isolated from you because they don’t know what those things mean let alone what you need to hear. Then you’re on two different levels and you can’t seem to find any middle ground. It’s a friendship disaster in the making.

I even find that it’s a struggle to keep my blog interesting enough that my non IF readers still find it somewhat entertaining and at the same time, find new connections with fellow IFers who I can learn from and will be a great support as we tackle IVF.

So many thoughts running through my head all the time, it’s hard to make sense of it and find some cohesion. And then there are those connections, people who step outside the normal boundary and present you with a little something to remind you that even though they don’t personally know what you are going though, they are still thinking about you and making the effort to let you know it. From something as simple as leaving a comment on a blog, to something as elaborate as a care package, those connections mean the world. They are the life bridge to normal.

Normal is all I ever wanted to be. I didn’t want to be an infertile. I didn’t choose this path. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would choose this. It’s painful and frustrating. It’s emotional and pervasive. It’s a royal pain in the ass. But it is what it is, and I can’t make it change. What I can do is step back now and then, watch what’s going on around me and acknowledge that IF and Non-IF worlds can coexist, and quite nicely if you let them. I can make the effort not to let it consume me and dominate my friendships, and my friends can make the effort to let me know they still think about me and my lack of bouncing baby from time to time. Balance. Beautiful balance. That’s the word.

Thank you Alyssa and Tina, for providing me with balance. And thank you to everyone who reads this and makes me feel heard. See, I’m a pretty lucky gal!


The Krull Family said...

Good thoughts... and can I mention that I find it humorous that you refer to the split in human kind as the fertiles and infertiles. funny. I have friends who have gone down this path, both choosing two different directions with IVF and adoption. I know its painful and I'm sorry you have a longer road to become a mother.

Melissa said...

Your friends sound awesome! Their thoughtfulness is so touching and sweet. I agree with you about the cohesion and not letting IF dominate life. Some days it's easier..but with friends like yours.. :)

Stacey said...

This is a great post and it really didn't seem long at all. :)

Friendships are interesting things. It is rare and beautiful to find a friend who hasn't experienced what you're going through and yet is extremely supportive. Thank God for good friends!

tina said...

oh erin, i don't even know if i am a fertile. you have to have a man friend to figure that one out. i'm always going to be sensitive to your situation though. you are very welcome for the treats. i just want to see you happy. however many marshmallows is takes...