Thursday we go to OHSU for our first infertility consult. On the one hand I am totally excited, on the other I am extremely nervous and anxious. I think I will need tums, valium and wine on Thursday just to feel normal. Suppose I shouldn't go into a appointment in an altered state though huh? Lord knows I won't get much work done.
I read blogs out there in cyber space. Blogs that belong to other women like me. Many of them end with little bundles of joy, many don't. Those women are sad and alone, and have run out of funds and sometimes the emotional fortitude to continue. I'm very afraid that I will be one of those people. I don't want to be one of those people and I don't want to assume that I will be, but my head thinks it's easier to take the let down if I never let myself believe in what could be. I don't think it's any secret that I'm emotional, hell I can't even watch an episode of ER without needing Kleenex. I worry that being so emotional is going to take it's toll on me. I worry that they might tell me that we can't be helped. I worry that we'll invest everything into this process and still come up empty handed. Maybe I should stop reading those blogs. Often times I just end up in tears after reading one. But while they may have some sad endings, they also provide proof for me that I'm not crazy and that the feelings and reactions I have are actually normal. You see just a few weeks ago I'd become convinced that I was losing my mind and that I was a horrible person. Reading these other blogs reminded me that I'm not either of those things, I'm just unlucky for now and sometimes that doesn't bring out the best in a person.
I debated about canceling this appointment. With the market in it's current downward spiral Scott's work has very nearly run out so we're in super saver mode. Spending money on an appointment that could probably wait seems like a bad idea. I had actually made the decision to cancel today. I was ready to call them, number typed into my phone. But then I just decided I'm not ready to give up on this just yet. We may have to wait to actually take action, but if we go to this appointment on Thursday we can at least know how and where to start when the time is right. Plus we have a benefactor who's helping us get this started. That help made it possible for me to put aside my rational brain for a moment and just go with the dream of maybe someday having a baby. Sometimes I hate being so stable and rational. It kind of hinders dreaming and hoping.
I will say that this ordeal (though really just beginning) has made opened up some new levels of communication for me and Scott. That's a good thing, you really can't go wrong if your communicating more openly with your spouse. He may think I'm crazy sometimes, but he's along for the ride.
I don't know what's in store for us on Thursday. I'm going to try and trust in my belief that I was meant to be a mommy. I'm going to hope that The Big Guy sees that too. Wish us luck!
1 comment:
so, how did it go?
and how did you, of all people, convince yourself that you were a bad person? i'm shocked by that...but, i want you to know that i deeply believe in you.
i hope that things get better for scott soon, too.
if there were two people on this planet who should be parents, it's you two. i will continue to say that - no matter how down you get.
as always, you will continue to have my full support, er bear.
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