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Random Letters

Dear Panda Express,

I need to ask that you please file bankruptcy and go out of business completely. The doors to your establishment must close immediately as my little brain and big tummy are no match for your Orange Chicken. Really PE, I drive by your little restaurant of crack, not even intending to slow down just a little, and then suddenly my car has flipped a u-turn, parked itself in one of your parking spaces and shut itself off. And who am I to argue with a car? She could run me over!

This can not continue and I feel that you closing will be much easier than retraining my car to park at Salad Express instead. And yes PE I know Salad Express doesn't actually exist, but it should. Perhaps you could start that up after you close up your current shop? Think about that will ya?

Signed,
Chinese Food is my Crack


Dear Vacation,

Why have you become so elusive my dear old friend? We've had so many good times I simply can't understand your complete lack of involvement in my life now. Have I done something to anger you? Please let me know so I can fix it because I am in some real need of some Vacation in my life.

I'd prefer to see you in Hawaii, or maybe Europe, but I would take Disneyland or even Hood River at this point. We could have some quality time talking about how great you are, how much I love you, how you make working worth it. I'd give you my full attention and we could even go on adventures. I've just got to get you back in my life. I am more sane when I've spent time with you. I'm nicer to people too. You want me to be nice to people don't you?

Just last week I flipped someone off while driving. I never do that Vacation. Never. Sure I use my horn from time to time, but I NEVER flip people off. I also rolled my eyes at a pregnant lady who was complaining about morning sickness. I'm absolutely sure it does suck, and in retrospect I feel very bad for her, but Vacation in that moment I wanted to smack her, and since violence towards pregnant ladies is frowned upon I just turned so she couldn't see me and rolled my eyes. This behavior can't continue.

I NEED you! Please say you'll let me visit? I don't have any money so it's got to be a free visit, but I promise I'll give you my all when I'm there.

Love ya to pieces,
Desperately seeing R & R


Dear Birds at Work,

I know you've been eating the grapes. I can tell because your purple poop is on the hood of my car.

You and I both know you're not supposed to be eating the grapes. I know they are tasty little bird sized treats, but they are for wine, not bird bellies. You must stop until harvest is over. When the picking is done you can have the left overs. For now, all gorging on the little green and purple balls is off limits. Go find a worm.

In regards to pooping on my car... CEASE and DESIST! I don't make messes on your mode of transportation. Leave mine alone. Gretta doesn't deserve your purple poop. If you continue to act with disregard to my request I will seek legal action. I know you don't want to go to court over this, so just get your act together.

Signed,
Bird Hunter in Training

2 comments:

Andy Meeker said...

Dear Ranunculus subscribers,
How is it that I am the first to post a comment on this brilliant post. I love it. In fact, I intend to steal the "Random Letters" format. Consider it now part of my creative arsenal.

Erin, you got skillz, Not every blogger can get Orange Chicken, the Finger, and Purple Poop into the same post, but you are a natural :) Thanks for the distraction.

Signed,
Post-a-Pal

Ashleigh said...

you are too much. i love this.