The beginning.

It’s hard to know where to even start.  Forgive me, if at time this post rambles.  My head swims with too much information and data these days. It’s hard to process that, and feelings, and still keep things in check.  When you wake up one morning, things are normal, you go about your day, then come home to news that your child has been exposed to heavy metal air pollutants, your head comes as close to exploding as I think it can.

I guess I should back up a little. This blog was started in 2008. My life was very different. I wrote about all sorts of things. Crafts, food, parties, infertility, running, my love of Portland, etc.  It evolved into many things over the years, and then I stopped writing. Sometimes your brain goes silent. Those posts are all still here, archived, but hidden for now, as I want to focus on life now.  I won’t erase them, they may come back even, but for now I need to talk about what’s happening right now. Like I really need to talk. I don’t want to burden my Facebook timeline with these thoughts because I know some will tire of it, and stop listening. So I want to post here, where people can choose to read or not. This blog was my outlet for many things, now I will use it to spill my guts about what’s going on.

“What’s going on?” you might ask.  Well lots.

February 2^nd, 2016 is a day that I’ll likely never forget. It’s the day our childcare provider informed us that DEQ had been conducting air pollutant tests in the parking lot adjacent to the facility. This facility is also around the corner from my home.

Those tests revealed higher than normal levels for arsenic and cadmium.  They urged calm as they further assessed. I don’t know about you but when someone urges me to remain calm I often do the exact opposite. So I started reading, and researching. DEQ posted a press release, then took it down, then reposted a smaller one with less information. Right from the start things seemed off.   We went to a meeting facilitated by CCLC (our childcare center) where DEQ, Oregon Health Authority (OHA), and corporate officers from CCLC came to speak with us. We left that meeting with more questions than answers.  DEQ and OHA were what I would call evasive, or perhaps poorly prepared to answer hard questions.

When parents are afraid, they will ask hard questions. Mama Bear activates the instant my child is at risk whether that be from a bump falling off the slide, or arsenic being inhaled into her lungs. My Mama Bear was off the charts, but I tried to remain calm. That's what they told me to do! It’s hard to do that when you learn that DEQ has known about these harmful pollutants for years and failed to follow up on what was causing them, and where, geographically it was coming from. With ten seconds I was able to use a search engine to find who uses those metals. It was fairly easy to put it together.  So why did no one do anything? Why can a company do this? How could they not have known? How bad is it? How often does it happen?

So many questions.

But it boils down to this. It’s legal. What that company did, and is likely still doing with other toxic elements, is legal. 

DEQ can’t do anything. The company is working within the limits of its permit.  

The company has blatantly abused its neighbors trust.

I will always wonder.  Even if we are not sick now, I will always wonder. Our bodies are ticking time bombs.  There is no MacGyver to swoop in with a paper clip and some chewing gum to fix this. This is more like a MacGruber situation.  Google that if you need to.  Comic relief…kind of.

As I write subsequent posts I will try to include data and cite references where needed.  I’m not a professional though, so I might screw that up sometimes.  You may also see me make what seem like really inappropriate jokes. That’s how I deal sometimes. If I can’t laugh I might cry. I cry enough so I think I’ll try to laugh if/when I can.  Please don’t take offense. Despite my jokes, I take this very seriously.  Frankly, I will probably write mostly about how this feels emotionally, with a tiny side of science and a dash of legal. Because emotions are what are impacting me the greatest at this moment.  I mean, it all impacts me, but the emotions are hard to grapple with.  Really hard.  And honestly there are some freaking brilliant, dedicated neighbors, who have taken this on. My neighborhood is in very capable hands.  Like rock star hands.  I don’t know that I’m in a place to offer them anything except appreciation. They are that good!

Most importantly, thank you for reading this. If people listen and learn then maybe another community won’t have to deal with crap like this. Maybe other children won’t be exposed to cancer causing heavy metals.  Maybe the teachers who spend hours caring for them won’t have to worry about their own health. Maybe your neighbors will never wonder if the kale they grew in their organic gardens will actually kill them someday. Maybe. 

Hello...is there anybody out there?

I don't really know what to say except HELLO!

Obviously it's been a while. 

Life has been pretty full the last year and a half. Yes, it's been that long since I last posted. Seems kind of crazy. I can remember a time when this blog was updated on a fairly regular basis and it goes all the way back to 2008. I just read through a sampling of all those posts for old times sake. It's fun and also strange to go back and see the person you were six years ago.  Our struggles with infertility obviously were a common theme, as were our travels and just daily life. But then I just let it go. I think I felt like I wasn't positive anymore and it's no fun to keep forcing your friends to read about your sadness or lack of fun. To be honest there was a good year or so where I was just in a bit of a dark cloud. Nothing too serious but certainly a noticeable time of quiet, reflection and even healing. I've come out the other side of that, back to my sometimes obnoxiously perky self. Sometimes you just need time to get that inner cheerleader back.

I had planned to do a complete reboot of this blog, wipe it clean, start new and fresh, but I can't. I decided I need to leave those old posts because as I read them I got to remember some things that are easy to forget, easy to let go, even though they were a huge part of my life for so long. 

So Raindrops on Roses will get a face lift and the themes may change but all that old stuff is going to stick around for now. 

If you're still here reading, after all these years I want to say thank you. I hope there are still a few of you out there. If so you can look forward to some new fun posts and photos. I've got a new take on life.

It is hard to explain, but the birth of my baby girl has made me want to find ways to share joy, to make people feel good, and to make even my little corner of the world a better place. And yes, you read that right. If you didn't already know I was blessed beyond measure this past September when Sugar was born. Don't worry, we didn't actually name her Sugar, it's just what I call her. So yes, friends, if you've been here from the start you know this is a pretty damn big deal. I'll probably write a post about it later, but let me say this. She's awesome. Like beyond awesome. In ways I didn't know existed. It turns out my inability to make babies for so long turned into one SUPER baby when it was all said and done. 

Okay, enough with the sappy, lovey dovey, mushy emotional fest! Even though she's super awesome she still fills a diaper and cries at 3am!

Look for a fancy, pretty update in the next few weeks and hopefully a more active blog in general!

Loves,
Erin

Weekend Fun Times

This weekend was a busy one, but so incredibly fun. 

I was lucky enough to get a quick visit with my friend Cindy and two of her girlfriends who were in town to check out the Portland food scene. They invited me to join them for dinner and breakfast and we had a lovely time, not to mention some delicious food.  These girls are my kind of people! They had a list of restaurants to try and it was so complete (and long!) you'd think they were locals. They did their research. I think they'll have to come back though, just too many restaurants, not enough time. 

I did get to take them to one of my favorite breakfast spots, Bread and Ink on Hawthorne. They had the Waffle Window on their list (I'm seriously in love with the WW) but we opted to sit inside the main restaurant and enjoy the full breakfast that Bread and Ink offers. It was, as always, a delight. We all shared our dishes and left fully stuffed. Roll me out the door stuffed. 

My Eggs Benedict from Bread and Ink - Pretty freaking delish! Great Hollandaise!

In addition to the whirlwind food tour I helped put on a Zombie Birthoween Party on Saturday night. It was a pretty awesome event. Almost every guest showed up in some form of the undead along with one cute little Zom-bee! We had jello shots in syringes to serve as our vaccines. I think we got everyone who came but be careful, if we missed one or two you might see a zombie or two roaming the streets of PDX!

Jello shots! Get it? Shots! Yes I'm a nerd.

The birthday girl had a hard time not being a smiling zombie.

My SIL the vaccine administrator trying to get me. She wins for best, freakiest costume!

It was truly a great weekend filled with friends. What more can one ask for really?

Updates

A quick update since I have been absent from this blog...

The last few months have been exceedingly busy with not one, but TWO new puppies. We brought Brady home in late February. He was the snuggliest, sweetest little ball of fur I've ever had the pleasure of knowing let alone owning. He was such a joy that we decided we should get him a brother or sister to play with (When we lost Olivia the dog in April we had a moment of crisis where we decided it should be another puppy, this is evidence that we are crazy people).  In July we brought Ella home. She was the tiniest little thing on the farm and was so flipping adorable I just knew she was the one. It has been quite the adventure ever since. Unlike her brother she is very opinionated, very brave and she eats everything in site. They are both a delight and I never get tired of coming home to two little wagging tails. 

Beyond the puppies (Like we talk about anything else?? Yes we've become THOSE people) life has been busy with work and fun. The summer here in Oregon was smashing! Sunshine every single day. No really, we went months without any rain. This sunshine girl was loving life. Scott of course worked really long hours this summer but he was able to enjoy a few bbq's and even a few Saturdays off.  Now we head into Fall and Winter and I'm looking forward to baking apple crisps and prepping for the holidays. I'm quite content. 

Which brings me to another subject...

For years this blog was something of a journal for me as we negotiated the roller coaster that is infertility. Hopes, dreams, challenges, anger, frustration, all out on the line. It was a place to share, to vent, to meet others who also shared our struggles/dreams. It served it's purpose well but now that time has passed. While Scott and  I would still very much like to be parents, we are not in pursuit the way we once were.  It is not a dream dashed, more like a dream changed? It's hard to explain really but I feel okay about it. Perhaps we will have children, perhaps not. On the advice of a friend from many years go I prayed to God that he remove the longing from my heart if it was not meant to be.  For the few months following that request I really made peace with the idea that we might not be parents. There was a calming in my heart. It is also hard to explain but for the first time in a really long time I felt freed from the constant need to have a baby.  I can even be joyful for people when they announce a pregnancy. That was always something I really had to work at in the past and I was not always successful. Who knows what will happen in the future? For now I am content. I haven't been that way in many, many years and it feels really good. 

So moving forward I'm not really sure what all I'll blog about but I am going to really make an effort to do more. I really enjoy it. I miss writing in general. I took a class last year and was reintroduced to the creativity and fun it brings. I'm also working on a few art/print projects that will eventually be the base of my Etsy store. I'll keep you updated when that happens!

So if you're still here, and still reading, thanks for following me all along. It is really nice to know you're out there. 

I leave you with pictures of our current babies...

Brady, my handsome, quiet and gentle boy.

Ella, my adventurous, curious, and silly baby.

Two peas in a pod!

Water Baby

Today I sucked it up and put on my Speedo swimsuit. I mean it, I really sucked it up. I had to to get the dang thing on. It's been a while. Swimsuits built for real swimming are tight. Think sausage casing. Oy. 

We've been watching the Olympics and I got all excited talking to Scott about flip turns and backstroke side to side movement and snapping on a swim cap, the smell of the pool. I was a little fired up. 

When I swam in high school I was pretty good. Not great. I was a freshman that struggled at first with the amount of swimming I was being asked to do.  Swimming had always come naturally to me. Family legend says I learned to swim before I learned to walk. Eventually I got used to the seemingly endless practices and did well in my races. Backstroke was my stroke. I loved it. I did individual races and medley relays. My very last race I had a PR and felt something similar to runners high. I remember Coach Z getting all excited about my time and telling me it wouldn't take much to move me up to varsity. To a freshman that's pretty huge. Unfortunately we moved a few weeks later and Oregon high schools do swimming in a different season so there was no team to join, plus it was inside. I remember thinking, who swims inside?? Such a spoiled sun baby. 

I never swam in a race again. I tried track and had lost my interest in the hurdles and dashes. Then I found cheerleading and it was all consuming. Yeah I was that girl who walked around the grocery store practicing chants, much to my mothers embarrassment. 

So I hadn't jumped into a pool for a real workout for the first time in about seventeen or eighteen years. 

My arms are the tired achy that feels good. My thighs are going to be sore tomorrow. My skin has that tight dry feeling you get after a lot of time in the water. It's totally awesome and I'm so going back tomorrow. 

That nagging foot injury that's been keeping me out of my running shoes doesn't hurt in the pool. Plus I just feel good in the water, even if I was inside on a beautiful sunny day.

Now if I could just keep the hairy gross guys coming out of the sauna or steam room to stay out of the pool it would be perfect. 

If puppies had online dating ads...

Name: Brady Bruschi Meeker

Birthdate : 1/2/12

Favorite Food: String Cheese

Favorite Toy: Cabella's Duck 

Favorite Football Team: New England Patriots

Nicknames: Little Man, Bubba, Sh*tbag, The Water Buffalo

Parents: Scott and Erin

Hey there, I'm Brady the Brittany. I'm a five month old lovebug (even though my mom says I am a monster) looking for a lap to snuggle in. Do you like to snuggle? You should come over, we can watch a dog show or maybe Animal Planet and share a blanket. The couch is pretty comfy!

I'm currently living in SE Portland at some pretty sweet digs. I've got a huge yard that I love to run in, dig in, and throw my toys around in. When I'm not lounging on the couch you can probably find me chewing on a bone or begging to go for a walk. I've even started trying to open the front door myself so I can just go. My mom's not too happy about that but I think once I figure it out and actually get the door open she'll be so proud of me she won't mind a bit! She's not too fond of me eating her gerbera daises though. I've been in trouble for it lots but they are just at my highth and such pretty colors. How am I supposed to resist? And really, look at ME, how can someone resist me??

That time I ran a half marathon without training...

**just a note that I know I haven't posted here in months, sometimes I lack the focus or passion to write things out, but I'll try to be better**

This weekend I ran my second half marathon, the inaugural Portland Rock 'N' Roll . I'd signed up for it months ago (September?) after best friend convinced me to.  Strangely enough she scheduled a trip to Utah for the same weekend so ended up not running it with me.  It worked out okay though, a co-worker was signed up too and it turns out we're well suited to run together pace wise. Another friend found me in the coral before the race and joined us. It was fun to have some running buddies. Also, Kara Goucher ran in this race. I can say I ran a race with Kara Goucher, how rad is that?

I didn't prepare for this race like I did last years Helvetia. In part due to a neck injury and then the flu, but mostly just my own laziness. This resulted in a less than stellar time but I had a great time, felt great throughout and still feel good now, hours later. And honestly, I was only 9 minutes slower than my time last year which I really, really trained for. I think this is a testament to how my body is in better shape overall. This makes me feel super proud of myself and encourages me to go out for my next half in five weeks.

The course was beautiful. There were hills, but that meant we had some awesome downhills. We snaked through SE PDX which is a real treat compared to the usual Portland races. There was a little rain to keep us cool, some awesome bands to listen to, great cheerleaders and one very supportive husband who used his only day off this week to come out and cheer me on at not one, but two different spots. He brought along our friend Josh and the puppy and it meant the world to see them standing there waiting for us. 

Overall it was a fabulous run. I was chipper the whole time and didn't get really drained until the last mile but I was able to push through that. I even found that my breath control was better than normal. I could actually talk while running?!? The event was well staffed and ran very smoothly (except for the three little stops for traffic). I loved how they had every mile marked. The water/aid stations were very well staffed and the post race medal/recovery area was perfect. Seriously great run. 

I'm back in my groove. I'd forgotten that I liked running. 

Funny Race Quote - As we came down Multnomah Blvd I could smell someone cooking breakfast. I was ravenously hungry at this point (mile 11) and it smelled so good. Very loudly I proclaimed "Do you smell that bacon? Oh that bacon smells so good right now" only to see my friend Tina's horrified face as I finished my sentence. Apparently we were also just passing a cop on his motorcycle and there is no way he didn't hear me. Oops! Sorry Mr. Officer, I was really just excited about the food and meant no disrespect!

This medal is awesome. It's heavy and sparkly and it's all mine!