That frightens me to some extent because that means I'm getting old right? Yikes! I don't wanna. I mean it. I want to stomp my feet and pout and throw a tantrum like a little girl in the Barbie aisle at the toy store. I don't want to be old.
On the other hand, these things I've been doing and noticing make me like myself better. So maybe it's good I get old? Ack did I really just type that?
I've thought about it a lot these days. Maybe growing up and being adult means that you get to be a better person, so you can enjoy life and the important things a bit more. Kind of like when you were a wee lass. You know when the most important part of your day was staring up at the sky to pick animals out of clouds and giving or getting hugs from loved ones. Telling your friends at preschool that you missed them because you really did. Just letting your heart lead you.
There seems to be this middle phase that starts about the age of 10 (for me at least) when things become more important and social structure makes you a meaner, bitter person just for self preservation. Middle school and high school can be hard yo! So you build up these walls, you make friends but you also sometimes do and say things to them that you know are not right. You know it. You may make yourself feel better by saying you were justified because your feelings were hurt or they made eyes at Robbie Jackson even though they knew you totally had a mega crush on him. In girls this is where Mean Girl Syndrome sets in. I am not a boy so I can't speak to the subject of mean boys but I bet they exist. Probably dressed in camo and fighting over G.I. Joes and later girls in bikinis.
Anyway...where I was going is that I think my becoming a bit more adult has allowed me to move past some of those Mean Girl tendencies. This is the benefit of being an adult. I get to be nicer. I also get to pay more attention to the things in life that really matter, just like I did when I was six. This has lead to some guilt though. I think back and know that I wasn't always the best person I could be. Sigh. I have been a bit of a snarky beyotch at times. My only hope is that those people I was snarky or just downright mean to understand this whole growing up thing and realize we're all a little like that. Kids (even in their 20's, 30's and yes sometimes in their 40's) do stupid things.
Just today I reached out an olive branch to an old friend who I was less than awesome to. In a tit for tat world she'd hurt my feelings and me, being the oversensitive cry baby I am made too big of a deal about it and in turn made myself into the real asshole. Yay me for being able to screw things up even more in the blink of one mouse click. This is one of those adult lessons I'm talking about. Yes she hurt my feelings. No I didn't deserve that. But should I have been awful back? No. I should have let it be. I don't have to be a doormat, but I also don't have to be a hurtful person. She has the right to ignore the olive branch I've extended or even take it and smack me around with it. But I'm going to forgive her and myself for being stupid kids. Regardless of the outcome I know now that I made the effort to fix it and I did so in an adult manner. That makes me feel a little better. It took me the better part of a year to get here though.Man this growing up thing takes a lot of energy and time.
I think I need a nap now, with my favorite blankie.
