Sunday Reflections

Today was pretty good day. Scott had flowers on the coffee table when I woke up, pretty yellow tulips. It was like having Spring show up in my living room. The addition of Jelly Belly Beans made it that much better! We went for sushi for lunch and he is currently heating up the grill to make our heart shaped steaks for dinner. Pretty nice little Valentine's Day and having such a nice laid back day makes the idea of going to work tomorrow a little easier. It was also just a nice day to spend time with Scott, we don't always get a full day together.
That's how we roll...classy hunks of beef for Valentine's Day

I also got to have my much needed pedicure this weekend. I met a few girlfriends on Saturday afternoon and got all prettied up, well my feet at least. As simple as it is, a pedicure really forces me to sit totally still and relax. It was wonderful. Also wonderful to have some good laughs and be able to talk about things.

Stephanie's memorial service on Friday was done very nicely and I'm glad that I went, despite how hard it is to attend things like that. Actually going means it's permanent and while you head knows that already, your heart isn't always prepared to listen.

The pastor, hers from childhood spoke about her life, her loves, and reassured us that despite the way she chose to leave this earth, she is still with God in heaven because she was a believer. I know different religions have different takes on suicide and he hinted that maybe even some of his own fellow pastors might disagree with him, but he was certain that she had her place, that she was a better person than he was, that she had gone home to the God that loved her, a God she needed and loved. He also made a point to talk about mental health, and how it should be cared for and treated like any other disease, that the stigma that goes with it is wrong, that it's just as serious as cancer as it too will eat away at you, taking everything you have. It was refreshing for me to hear someone of The Faith talk like that because I feel like a lot of times people brush depression aside with a "if you have faith" or " God will see them though". It's more than that. She was ill. She needed treatment. Which apparently she got, but it wasn't enough. I will always remember her, always think of her, and try to be more like her.

There is a moment that really sticks with me from the service, when the pastor asked us to raise our hands if we were friends from the stables, co-workers, clients, family. At each question various groups raised their hands, and then he asked "who here was Stephanie's friend?" and every single person raised their hand. It's a testament to her spirit. No matter how you knew her, no matter what brought you together, you would end up her friend.

There are still moments I don't believe it, can't even comprehend that she is gone. I suspect it will always be a little bit like that.

So tomorrow I start my week minus one important person in my life, but I also start a goal to share her spirit with others, by trying to be more like her.

Stephanie Lynne Spoelstra - 4/7/68 - 2/5/10