To say that this week has been trying would be an understatement. It seems like every time I turned around I was hearing something else that was bad news, distressing or upsetting. Some things worse than others, some things fixable, some things so horrible it’s hard to make sense of.
As you may have read previously there is a letter to my friend Stephanie here on my blog now. She took her own life last week and I will attend her memorial service on Friday. I am deeply saddened by this, a little angry and very perplexed. There are questions that will never be answered and questions that aren’t appropriate to ask and yet my mind wanders and my imagination runs wild so on more than one occasion have been near sleep when another horrible though enters my mind. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, I don’t know what anyone could have done. I don’t know many of her friends and I don’t know her family at all so I feel like I will always wonder. I hope that some of that wonder fades over time because it really is very distressing. I also hope that if that wondering does fade, my memories of her do not. She was such a bright person, so funny and warm. I feel lucky to have known her. I feel cheated that she’s gone too early.
In addition to that sadness my Aunt was hit by a car last weekend and hurt pretty badly. Thankfully she’s going to be okay but in the first moment that you hear news like that there is a panic that makes your heart and chest hurt. It was such a freak accident; she was just standing by her own car when a car in motion hit it, pushing her along with it. She has a shattered knee cap, fractured hip, broken ribs and plenty of other boo-boos. I’m sure she must be in a heap of pain and she’s going to require surgery. This after she had just completed radiation for breast cancer. I’m praying her year improves immensely.
I also had a co-worker announce her pregnancy. Now this is something I have to get use to and need to be prepared for. It’s not fair that I be angry that someone else is pregnant while I sit here, childless. Having said that, it’s still hard sometimes. I replied with a happy, sincere congratulations email but it’s all I can muster at this point. When she mentioned that she’s bringing in cupcakes next Tuesday I asked what the occasion was and her response was “Blue frosting for a boy, pink for a girl!” Oh joy. I know, I really do know, that I can’t expect people to always be sensitive to my feelings but dammit, do I really have to stare at blue or pink cupcakes all day next Tuesday? On top of everything else this week, it’s been hard to stay nice and perky especially about someone else’s bundle of joy.
I’m looking forward to starting next week fresh, no bad news, no tears, no desire to lock myself in a padded room with only a bucket of bonbons and a bag of ruffles. Of course that is until Tuesday when I will want to smear pink or blue frosting on co-workers computer monitors.
Oh and I almost forgot, I got a crap ton of new job responsibilities this week. So much fun. NOT!
Oy I need an attitude adjustment, or maybe just a massage and a pedicure? Something good. Something happy. Please Karma, hear my cry!!
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