Sunday Reflections

Today was pretty good day. Scott had flowers on the coffee table when I woke up, pretty yellow tulips. It was like having Spring show up in my living room. The addition of Jelly Belly Beans made it that much better! We went for sushi for lunch and he is currently heating up the grill to make our heart shaped steaks for dinner. Pretty nice little Valentine's Day and having such a nice laid back day makes the idea of going to work tomorrow a little easier. It was also just a nice day to spend time with Scott, we don't always get a full day together.
That's how we roll...classy hunks of beef for Valentine's Day

I also got to have my much needed pedicure this weekend. I met a few girlfriends on Saturday afternoon and got all prettied up, well my feet at least. As simple as it is, a pedicure really forces me to sit totally still and relax. It was wonderful. Also wonderful to have some good laughs and be able to talk about things.

Stephanie's memorial service on Friday was done very nicely and I'm glad that I went, despite how hard it is to attend things like that. Actually going means it's permanent and while you head knows that already, your heart isn't always prepared to listen.

The pastor, hers from childhood spoke about her life, her loves, and reassured us that despite the way she chose to leave this earth, she is still with God in heaven because she was a believer. I know different religions have different takes on suicide and he hinted that maybe even some of his own fellow pastors might disagree with him, but he was certain that she had her place, that she was a better person than he was, that she had gone home to the God that loved her, a God she needed and loved. He also made a point to talk about mental health, and how it should be cared for and treated like any other disease, that the stigma that goes with it is wrong, that it's just as serious as cancer as it too will eat away at you, taking everything you have. It was refreshing for me to hear someone of The Faith talk like that because I feel like a lot of times people brush depression aside with a "if you have faith" or " God will see them though". It's more than that. She was ill. She needed treatment. Which apparently she got, but it wasn't enough. I will always remember her, always think of her, and try to be more like her.

There is a moment that really sticks with me from the service, when the pastor asked us to raise our hands if we were friends from the stables, co-workers, clients, family. At each question various groups raised their hands, and then he asked "who here was Stephanie's friend?" and every single person raised their hand. It's a testament to her spirit. No matter how you knew her, no matter what brought you together, you would end up her friend.

There are still moments I don't believe it, can't even comprehend that she is gone. I suspect it will always be a little bit like that.

So tomorrow I start my week minus one important person in my life, but I also start a goal to share her spirit with others, by trying to be more like her.

Stephanie Lynne Spoelstra - 4/7/68 - 2/5/10

What a week...

To say that this week has been trying would be an understatement. It seems like every time I turned around I was hearing something else that was bad news, distressing or upsetting. Some things worse than others, some things fixable, some things so horrible it’s hard to make sense of.

As you may have read previously there is a letter to my friend Stephanie here on my blog now. She took her own life last week and I will attend her memorial service on Friday. I am deeply saddened by this, a little angry and very perplexed. There are questions that will never be answered and questions that aren’t appropriate to ask and yet my mind wanders and my imagination runs wild so on more than one occasion have been near sleep when another horrible though enters my mind. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, I don’t know what anyone could have done. I don’t know many of her friends and I don’t know her family at all so I feel like I will always wonder. I hope that some of that wonder fades over time because it really is very distressing. I also hope that if that wondering does fade, my memories of her do not. She was such a bright person, so funny and warm. I feel lucky to have known her. I feel cheated that she’s gone too early.

In addition to that sadness my Aunt was hit by a car last weekend and hurt pretty badly. Thankfully she’s going to be okay but in the first moment that you hear news like that there is a panic that makes your heart and chest hurt. It was such a freak accident; she was just standing by her own car when a car in motion hit it, pushing her along with it. She has a shattered knee cap, fractured hip, broken ribs and plenty of other boo-boos. I’m sure she must be in a heap of pain and she’s going to require surgery. This after she had just completed radiation for breast cancer. I’m praying her year improves immensely.

I also had a co-worker announce her pregnancy. Now this is something I have to get use to and need to be prepared for. It’s not fair that I be angry that someone else is pregnant while I sit here, childless. Having said that, it’s still hard sometimes. I replied with a happy, sincere congratulations email but it’s all I can muster at this point. When she mentioned that she’s bringing in cupcakes next Tuesday I asked what the occasion was and her response was “Blue frosting for a boy, pink for a girl!” Oh joy. I know, I really do know, that I can’t expect people to always be sensitive to my feelings but dammit, do I really have to stare at blue or pink cupcakes all day next Tuesday? On top of everything else this week, it’s been hard to stay nice and perky especially about someone else’s bundle of joy.

I’m looking forward to starting next week fresh, no bad news, no tears, no desire to lock myself in a padded room with only a bucket of bonbons and a bag of ruffles. Of course that is until Tuesday when I will want to smear pink or blue frosting on co-workers computer monitors.

Oh and I almost forgot, I got a crap ton of new job responsibilities this week. So much fun. NOT!

Oy I need an attitude adjustment, or maybe just a massage and a pedicure? Something good. Something happy. Please Karma, hear my cry!!

Sweet Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

It doesn't seem possible that I've known you for so long, but I was just a little fifteen year old (maybe fourteen now that I really think about it) when you first took a look at my tangled mop of a mess hair and told me I had beautiful shiny color. For the next sixteen years you would cut, color and updo my hair when I needed it. But more than that, you were a sounding board, someone to share a laugh with, someone to vent to, and someone I really considered more than a friend, certainly more than a hairdresser. Through prom's and my wedding, though countless lectures about why I should not color my own hair or cut bangs you were a steady part of my life. You made me feel special, even when I was a gangly teenager and a nervous bride. I followed you to four different places, I even endured that snotty place on Corbet because you were so special.

I'm going to miss hearing your laugh and snicker. I'll miss hearing about your horses and pups, your farm out in the middle of nowhere, the farm you loved. Our shared dislike of emptying the dishwasher will always stick with me, but mostly Steph I'm just going to miss getting to see you and hear you crack yourself up over your own jokes.

I'm so sad and heartbroken today, wondering why? Why? What happened? Could any one of us done any thing for you? I'm so sorry if there was something and we missed it. It's been so long since I last saw you (my own fault) that I just don't know where you were, what was going on.

I was so looking forward to seeing you next month for my birthday. What will a birthday be without you making me feel beautiful? I wanted to hear you tease me about the gray hair I still don't have and give me a hard time for being ten years younger than you. I wanted to bring you a bottle of red wine for your birthday. I'm so sad I can't do that.

I'm going to go by the salon tomorrow and just tap the 3 back into place on the door, it's been a while since I last did it so I'm betting it's about ready to fall off. Even if someone else has done it, it will make me feel like I've been with you one last time.

Sweet, funny, beautiful Stephanie I will miss you so. I hope that you are happier where you are, that you feel no pain, that God has taken from you what ailed you. Miss you.

Erin

Biggest Loser? No, but I'll take the GAP jeans thank you!

Updates:

I’ve been going to the gym and watching what I eat for a few weeks now. I haven’t lost a lot of weight (about 6 lbs.) but my arms, legs and tummy are all looking MUCH more toned. I take this to mean that while I haven’t lost poundage, I have gained muscleage and therefore have actually lost fatage. This makes me happy and encourages me to keep going to the gym despite the fact that the facilities manager at my gym is a sadist. Gyms should not be so warm. It makes the running and elliptcaling much less fun and makes we want to leave sooner than I should. I have twice considered writing an anonymous note to the management but I have been too lazy, fatigue induced by warm air really. It’s their fault I haven’t complained. Perhaps I will just send them a copy of my blog post from today? On the happiest of note, I am wearing a size six GAP jean right now. Perhaps GAP has retreated to real actual sizing from days of yore, or perhaps I really am wearing the new version of size six. Either way, I’ll take it. The jeans look great and I heart them. They look even more better because I am wearing my high heel boots again! Hip hip hooray! Almost one year since the broken ankle debacle and I am back in my comfort zone. Yes, three inch heels are my comfort zone.

Also, I just signed up for this little thing called a writing prompt. A local writers studio here in SE PDX will send me a post card a few times a month with a writing exercise on it. It only costs $30 for six months and it makes you try new things and get your creative juices flowing. I could use some creative lubrication so this will be perfect. I asked for the free trial version first (one post card) to see how it goes, and then I can decide to pay for more. It’s a little like a homework assignment, only more fun and it involves getting mail which I adore.

In other writing news, I’ve decided to take some writing classes. Instead of nursing prerequisites I will take classes that I am actually passionate about. I can decide to be a nurse next semester if I so choose. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for said classes yet. Perhaps a foray into stripping or a night on the corner of 82nd and Foster is in order? That would provide money and also something to write about no? I shall ponder this for a bit. It is my hope that these classes will satisfy me with a challenge I can rise to, and also satisfy all of the people in my life who are currently telling me I can do, and be better. Perhaps writing won’t make me as much (or any) money as nursing would, but it will pay my soul and right now that’s very important to me. Basically I decided that I need to focus on the dreams in my life that are the most relevant, time sensitive and fulfilling. But more on that in my next blog. It’s taking a while to write it out just right, but it is coming.

In baby news, well there isn’t a lot of news I’m afraid. But I’m still hoping, and dreaming. I do that a lot. But again, more in my next blog.

So that’s that for today.

and then again....

I am having some reservations about the decision to pursue nursing school. I've decided it will require much more thought and consideration.

The fact is I think I'd like nursing, but I'm not sure I'd love it. At this point I'm not willing to settle for something that I might like. I need to find a passion. I know what that is, but finding it in work could be difficult.

So I will make my pro and con lists and go over and over them. I may still decide that nursing is where it's at, but I might not. Stay tuned.

In other news, well there is no other news. Life is pretty stable at the moment. Scott's not working much but we're surviving and today I'm thankful for that.

I think...

that I've decided to go back to school. I didn't think I'd ever say those words again, but I think it's finally time. Something has to change and right now I think that's me getting a better education and a better job.

So beginning Spring term I will head back to PCC, start some classes and work on my prereqs for nursing school. It's quite scary to think about it because when I actually enter the nursing program I'll have to stop working, maybe even before that and not working means super tight budget and borrowing money. Yikes.

But I'm starting slow, taking a few classes to start and see how it goes.

So that's the news for today. In approximately three to four years it will be completely legal for me to stick you with a needle... ;)

It's been a while...

It's been a while...I haven't had anything to really talk about and well I've just been about the most unmotivated person in the world lately. However, I've decided that I need to get back to writing in some form and for now that will have to be a blog. It's good writing exercise. So, while I don't have any really fun updates here are some final letters for 2009.


Dear Chinese Food,

I'm sorry we have to break up. I can't take you hanging on to my ass and thighs anymore and while I adore you, the only way to keep you from hanging on is to cut all ties. I'm sorry. It's me, not you. I hope we can be friends again someday.

Longingly,
Orange Chicken Fanatic

Dear 24 Hour Fitness,

Please kick my ass for the next eight weeks. I will complain, and I will make grumpy faces at you but I want it I promise. Just do me a small favor and keep an elliptical machine open for me. All those New Years Resolution people are going to descend on you next week and it's going to be freaking scary for a while. Hopefully you and I can just muddle though and wait them out. In the end we're gonna be besties and I'm going to have a killer body for my birthday.

With aching muscles,
Mrs. Olympian 2010

Dear 2009,

You totally sucked it up 2009. Seriously. I had such great hopes for you and you let me down. I am so back to being an even number year fan. As this week ends and we head into 2010 I will remember you as pretty much the lamest year I've come across and that's saying a lot seeing as how I'm an old lady of 31 now. You should be ashamed of yourself 2009. The world deserved better than you. I deserved better than you.

Signed,
Even Number Fan

Dear 2010,

Welcome! I can't wait to meet you, get to know you and have an amazing 365 days with you. We can do all sorts of fun things together and I will love you bestest. Let's do this 2010, we can make a pact to be the best we can be (without joining the ARMY). And by best I mean that we're going to take these next 12 months to places we've never been. We're going to become runners (5k max though) and we're going to bulk up our savings account, and we're going to work on making all our dreams come true, even the one where I become a parent. Because let's face it 2010 I need to get my ass in gear and you're just the year to make it happen.

With hope in my eyes,
Even Number Fan