Scream Therapy Anyone?

Hello February! Not sure how it got to be February, yet it is. One step closer to warm summer months, one step closer to my 31st birthday. Typically I love my birthday. It's all about me, I get presents, cake, time with friends and family. This year I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm hoping that changes in the next few weeks.

I've been struggling with my spirits. They seem to fall down a lot lately and it's hard to lift them. I'm positive this is directly related to the economy. I turn on the news and hear about a father and mother who thought it was better to kill themselves and their children rather than suffer through these times with no job and no money. Scott's been looking for work for months now with no response, and he really has been making a solid effort there just aren't any jobs. My little savings account that I worked so hard to build up is going to be eaten up by one mortgage payment. It's just a tough time out there right now. I try not to stress too much. There is only so much I can do. I work at my job, pay the bills I can and hope that somehow everything else will fall into place.

It sounds rotten but I'm kinda waiting for karma to get me back for all the nice things I try to do. But I suppose karma is shaking her finger at me saying "If you expect repayment then Karma ain't cutting the check". Sometimes I just wonder why it never seems to get easy. We'd just like one little break on the luck side of things. We're not too picky at this point. Honestly we'd be happy with a job for Scott.

I'm also grappling with the baby planning. OHSU called today, my bloodwork all came back normal, which is great. Scott has to go give his little sample and then we have a phone consult with Dr. Patton. On the one hand I'm super excited to be moving forward with a practice that is so proactive. On the other hand I feel incredibly stupid for even thinking about trying to get pregnant when Scott can't find work. Babies cost money. They cost lots of money! What if I do get lucky enough to get pregnant? The doctor bills and hospital bills will only increase. I'd have to take some time off work and I work for a very small company so the maternity benefits may be small. My worries get a little more out of control beyond this but I'll spare you the details. Let's just say that if you could make money as a worry wart I wouldn't have to worry so much anymore. On top of all that normal worry, you have the added stress of fertility treatments which are not for the faint of heart...

I've been waiting for this for so long and the timing was right, until the economy tanked. I'm bitter with the econmy for ruining what should be an exciting time for us. I'm angry with the economy for possibly delaying my dream that much longer. I'm pissed off that my body has to be so difficult that it requires all this extra crap just to have a baby!

And then I have to keep perspective. Scott and I are healthy and I need to be thankful for that. It's hard to remind myself of that sometimes.

I'm going to continue going to the gym as often as I can during the week. It's good for me and must be helping my stress levels some...except for that nasty cold sore that popped up over the weekend. Damn things are always induced by stress.

I wonder if Scream Therapy really works? Seems like today might be a good day to try it out. I think the release would feel quite nice...