I'm sorry, in advance

It has begun. I've officially started medication to assist in the Meeker Baby Project. This particular medication is just for a few days so it shouldn't be too bad, but I've taken it before and it does tend to make me a raging bitch. So I apologize in advance if I snap at you or threaten to harm you in the next week.

I was reading my new book Infertility Survival Handbook last night and it's pretty brutally honest. I appreciate that, there are things I'm going to need to know, things that are good to hear from other people who have suffered the same fate. However, it's also pretty damn scary.

One of the things it talks about is losing you body to the hormones and medications. Weight gain is almost a given and because you're dealing with hormones it's often hard to shed when all is said and done. I've just started to make the effort to get my twenty-something body back and now it's bound to be lost in the mess that is progesterone! I'm going to try not to worry about it too much and just focus on eating better and making it the gym three to four times a week. There isn't much more I can do. ****Edit to include some positive thoughts**** My mother reports that after two years on Clomid, then having me, she weighed less then she had in three years! So maybe I can be skinny after too!****

Another thing it talks about is removing yourself from situations that make you upset or sad. This could be a baby shower, or little kid birthday parties, even getting your nails done with all your breeder (term for those who have babies, not to be confused with the same term used to indicate heterosexual beings rather than homosexual beings) friends. I really hope it doesn't come to that for me, but I think it's unrealistic to not think about it. I'm already jealous of mommies and daddies. I covet their babies and all the gear that comes with them. I'm sure this isn't good, but I know that it's normal for people like me. Did anyone see 30 Rock last week? Liz Lemon had the purse full of baby shoes...I'm not that bad, but there is indication that it could become that bad...

I think I'd be really sad to lose or step away from friends because I couldn't cope, or they were too frustrated by me. I know it's bound to happen at some point though. I want to say right here, in the start, that if this happens, if I somehow lose one of you it's not because I didn't/don't love you. That certainly isn't it. I think it really comes down to needing people who can care for me when I need it. That sounds a bit selfish typed out like that, and I'm not sure it's the right words to convey what I'm trying to say. It's just that, unless you've felt it, done it, been hurt by it, or survived it you may not know what I want/need. That's no fault of yours or mine. It just is.

Having said all that, my goal is to be aware of my extreme mood swings and irrational behavior. I have a tendency to lash out and hold a grudge so I'm going to work on that, but no guarantees because the nature of the drugs are irrational behavior coupled with severe mood swings and irritability. Basically you might thank your lucky stars that you don't have to see me or talk to me for a while. It should also be noted that Scott may need extra sympathy at these times. If you do want to see my head spin like the wicked witch we'll have scheduled showings :)

If it comes to a point where I'm not nice anymore, and you want to talk to me about it, email me. That's the best way. Then I don't cry and carry on and you don't feel like a jack ass for having valid and normal feelings.

So with that out in the open, let's move on! Cross your fingers for us that blood work is possible in the next week or so, that it doesn't reveal anything too terrible and that we can move on to the next step.

And now, being done with my selfish talk and requests for myself, could you also say a prayer for Greg and Shana. Greg's cancer is proving to be a real pain in the arse and I know they can use all the good thougts anyone can muster. It's quite scary to think about what this diagnoisis could mean for him, and today is his 32nd birthday....very scary indeed. Yet, he is more determined then most people in this world.